y0lk the arcade avenger yeah right, this isnt a dto rip-off
number 80: by - shadow tao
i had just finished throwing discus at a track meet, so i decided
that on my way home, i would stop at a mall. there was no real reason, i
guess. just a brainwashed consumer zombified into returning to the
capatalist mother ship. i made my way across the parking lot and onto one
of the side ramps/entrances. i stood there for a second deliberating where i
should visit first.
i was 16, i headed for the arcade.
i had been going to quite a few track meets that month, and hadnt
been in the arcade in a while. the first thing one does when trying to
catch up for lost time in an arcade is scan for new games. scan. scan.
theres one.
samurai spirit, i believe it was called.
basic japanese-style fighting game. i picked a guy with big hair.
first enemy is always the putz. win one. win two. on to the second
challenge. clinkclink. newuh chawangerr!! it had a bad japanese
accent.
i looked down, and there he was. he couldnt have been more than,
say, 10. a little white punk with neon clothes. and a speech impediment.
he opened his mouth, and out poured the ancient challenge of arcade lore:
ahm donna kicks yo ath. it was a severe speech impediment
the gloves were off. he chose a kabuki-looking character with a huge
tounge. it was the eternal struggle: big hair vs. steven tyler.
we started off with basic combo-search moves. we both ran through
our mnemonic libraries of mortal kombat and street fighter moves, only to
find that early on in the first battle, he was severely kicking my ath. it
was just a game. a mere game. but as anyone who has ever taken an arcade
challenge, these were just words. its not just a game, its your
techno-manliness.
yes, just like every other thing we males do, an arcade challenge
with a stranger is a measurement of manhood. i couldnt lose to this 10
year old. i would never be able to look at a screen again.
the second round went a little better. the kid and i were both down
to about a micron of health. unfortunately, a background character ran by
at that second and threw a bomb at him. a bomb that, fortunately for me, he
did not see. boom. round two to elvis man.
by the start of round three, i had somehow tensed my innards to the
point of vomiting. the pulse of the challenge was racing through my veins,
yanking every bit of strength i had into my hands. we started with common
opening moves. he made a few good hits, i retaliated with a barrage of
attacks. we were both nearing death, but unlike my opponents character, my
character was actually turning red.
ironicly, so was i.
awwyeah. im kickin yo ath. im so cool, im hoth. wath my fisths
of fyuwee. kickin yo ath. whoopin yo big fath ath. wathout lardath.
let me explain the motive behind what exactly next, so it doesnt
seem that i was being an even bigger asshole than i was. i was deeply into
discus training with my father, who was an old pro at discus. one of the
things that my father had shown me early in my discus career was the
technique of release. the release of a discus wasnt just the simple
motion of letting go. it was the technique of storing energy in the pit of
your stomach during warm-up. that energy is then distributed through your
body during your in-ring movements and some breathing techniques. when it
was actually time to throw the discus, the energy would explode throughout
your body and into the discus. with this explosion, somehow, a murderous
scream would erupt from deep in your stomach. people who i competed against
would sometimes be intimidated by this scream that they would not throw.
some of them wouldnt even stay around me. it was such a physically
exhausting process that sometimes i would pass out from the exertion. it
takes a lot of control to harness the power of the release technique, and
control was still something i was working on.
how unfortunate for that 10 year old.
i had somehow started the release technique unconciously. my
breathing became labored. my muscles were tensed beyond their usual
capacity. i was focused on beating the living shit out of this little
child, whether it was on the screen or otherwise.
then, somehow, i found a serious combo. my character became engulfed
in flame, swooping down onto the big-tongued kabuki warrior like a flaming
sword from hell. that was the end of kabuki.
that also happened to be the moment i lost control of all that
energy. i let out one of the awefullest banshee screams i have ever heard
in my entire life. the last i saw of that little kid, he was running for
the exit, dripping all the way.
oddly, i felt powerful again. i had destroyed a little kid in a
video game and managed to scare him to urination in the process. nevermind
that i was standing in a puddle of this little boys fear.
i was avenged.
--index-------------------------------------------------------------------
.db.
title author
01 the other white meat creed
02 several k-leet hax0rs sittin around a campfire and groovin creed
03 nuclear weapons, global destruction, op wars. creed
04 a young man, an infant, a yak... all living in sin creed
05 household uses for afghanistanian food creed
06 pour cement down my anus hooch
07 hail santa! creed
08 hasidism and sysops - a pair for the nineties? hooch
09 lunchables rock. creed
10 t-shirts and toejam bedlam
11 nap-time - the dog prank - exclusive interview hooch
12 movie reviews showgirls!@ - win95 vs. os/2 sorta hooch
13 straight outta compton - dialchix - muh dawg!@ hooch
14 im a tall, goofy, dorky, chink phorce
15 bedazzled by the eliteness creed
16 how to blow your nuts out with cornstarch and orangina creed
17 i am a warez pup - who are you? hooch
18 lemmings phorce
19 the science of astrology belial
20 the notorious anticlimactic bastards of the zine scene cd/h0
21 dUcK 54uc3?!!? phorce
22 top 5000 reasons why i should kill myself creed
23 citrus fruits for sale phorce
24 group masturbation belial
25 ethereal experiences for perverted pyromaniacs creed
26 catering for the warez eleet phorce
27 brief mental pause belial
28 the army day camp belial
29 the geek theory, hickies, and another long day creed
30 nets, zines, and that chick from wings hooch
31 mentos! the freedom giver! mercuri
32 ramblings of a poseur bedlam
33 sitcoms, stereotypes, and satan creed
34 fuck you - a note to all yall on zines hooch
35 apples, oranges, and pears phorce
36 the little cultist that couldnt creed
37 careening through hyperspace at a slug-like rate creed
38 snowday phorce
39 creed is g0d creed
40 big hurt is ruler of the earth bighurt
41 dead people, nasty thoughts, and colored glue bighurt
42 bbs softwares/internet hooch
43 abandon thy gods! from yonder cometh y0lk! creed
44 mogels own very special personalized 1 y0lk issue phorce
45 your burro is no jackass! creed
46 rollerskates, indians, eagles and cougars creed
47 outer space, ice cream, streetcars and gophers creed
48 Evan the genius becomes enlightened and melts his face off creed
49 6 insignificant ziners in a bowling microcosm of life creed
50 the best of the worst creed
51 the prince of darkness versus some guy named dave trip
52 ode to my feet creed
53 hopelessly lost poots
54 the schoolhouse r0x! phorce
55 campbells chicken-noodle soup omen of death creed
56 dead cats juke
57 my inner taco handle
58 my place, or yours? mercuri
59 how to really use that spiffy monopoly money lumpy
60 struggle wif the giant pink elephant lucifer
61 why did the chicken cross the road? insane
62 y0lk test pattern mutter
63 ELiTE LiT from the master himself creed
64 creeds k-rad lit archives, volume two creed
65 UNSOPHISTICATED FASCIST BASTARDS. YOU DONT UNDERSTAND ME. creed
66 how y0lk saved my life sorta creed
67 shiny nickles, no more TP, and shitty knuckles ideal
68 some puppet plays phorce
69 ... Hello operator ... mutter
70 i bit my nail, now my finger is bleeding. traq
71 battle of the ants rage
72 fun on the phone ideal
73 yabba-dabba do, scooby-dooby do, and many other mysteries.. handle
74 i love you as my own mother sphrog
75 jamesy and the giant slinky jamesy
76 do not fuck with the big and hairy bears murmur
77 horror story oeb
78 dat wh0re s.sheep
79 the ewok rant taraxis
80 the arcade avenger tao
TT
--infoez--------------------------------------------------------------------
if you see your name on that chart, you are a y0lk member, whether you
like it or not. if you are a y0lk member, you have a y0lk member board, et
cetera.
phoenix 201 is the official eleet telecom section of y0lk
hooch is the stupendous chief shephard of y0lk.
phorce is the head samurai of y0lk! beware!
mindcrime is an official y0lk member, cuz hes just so damn wacky-ass.
heil creed. HEIL! HEIL!
to get all the rest of the y0lks, ftp to ftp.openix.com /ftp/phorce/y0lk
or... call our world headquarters, erebus, at 201-762-1373. k-rad.
*or*... look for y0lkb0t on irc, efnet. type @y0lk number for y0lks.
OR... ATTENTION y0lkies! join the y0lk mailing list! chat about y0lk
and all them other zines, too! email listserv@magsystems.com with the line
subscribe y0lk in the body of the message.
dont you feel like youre getting a little too much information here?
couldnt we just show our ftp site and shut up? its just sad that we
have to advertise all our cheap media at the bottom of every textfile
like this. what a bunch of losers we are.
number 80: by - shadow tao
i had just finished throwing discus at a track meet, so i decided
that on my way home, i would stop at a mall. there was no real reason, i
guess. just a brainwashed consumer zombified into returning to the
capatalist mother ship. i made my way across the parking lot and onto one
of the side ramps/entrances. i stood there for a second deliberating where i
should visit first.
i was 16, i headed for the arcade.
i had been going to quite a few track meets that month, and hadnt
been in the arcade in a while. the first thing one does when trying to
catch up for lost time in an arcade is scan for new games. scan. scan.
theres one.
samurai spirit, i believe it was called.
basic japanese-style fighting game. i picked a guy with big hair.
first enemy is always the putz. win one. win two. on to the second
challenge. clinkclink. newuh chawangerr!! it had a bad japanese
accent.
i looked down, and there he was. he couldnt have been more than,
say, 10. a little white punk with neon clothes. and a speech impediment.
he opened his mouth, and out poured the ancient challenge of arcade lore:
ahm donna kicks yo ath. it was a severe speech impediment
the gloves were off. he chose a kabuki-looking character with a huge
tounge. it was the eternal struggle: big hair vs. steven tyler.
we started off with basic combo-search moves. we both ran through
our mnemonic libraries of mortal kombat and street fighter moves, only to
find that early on in the first battle, he was severely kicking my ath. it
was just a game. a mere game. but as anyone who has ever taken an arcade
challenge, these were just words. its not just a game, its your
techno-manliness.
yes, just like every other thing we males do, an arcade challenge
with a stranger is a measurement of manhood. i couldnt lose to this 10
year old. i would never be able to look at a screen again.
the second round went a little better. the kid and i were both down
to about a micron of health. unfortunately, a background character ran by
at that second and threw a bomb at him. a bomb that, fortunately for me, he
did not see. boom. round two to elvis man.
by the start of round three, i had somehow tensed my innards to the
point of vomiting. the pulse of the challenge was racing through my veins,
yanking every bit of strength i had into my hands. we started with common
opening moves. he made a few good hits, i retaliated with a barrage of
attacks. we were both nearing death, but unlike my opponents character, my
character was actually turning red.
ironicly, so was i.
awwyeah. im kickin yo ath. im so cool, im hoth. wath my fisths
of fyuwee. kickin yo ath. whoopin yo big fath ath. wathout lardath.
let me explain the motive behind what exactly next, so it doesnt
seem that i was being an even bigger asshole than i was. i was deeply into
discus training with my father, who was an old pro at discus. one of the
things that my father had shown me early in my discus career was the
technique of release. the release of a discus wasnt just the simple
motion of letting go. it was the technique of storing energy in the pit of
your stomach during warm-up. that energy is then distributed through your
body during your in-ring movements and some breathing techniques. when it
was actually time to throw the discus, the energy would explode throughout
your body and into the discus. with this explosion, somehow, a murderous
scream would erupt from deep in your stomach. people who i competed against
would sometimes be intimidated by this scream that they would not throw.
some of them wouldnt even stay around me. it was such a physically
exhausting process that sometimes i would pass out from the exertion. it
takes a lot of control to harness the power of the release technique, and
control was still something i was working on.
how unfortunate for that 10 year old.
i had somehow started the release technique unconciously. my
breathing became labored. my muscles were tensed beyond their usual
capacity. i was focused on beating the living shit out of this little
child, whether it was on the screen or otherwise.
then, somehow, i found a serious combo. my character became engulfed
in flame, swooping down onto the big-tongued kabuki warrior like a flaming
sword from hell. that was the end of kabuki.
that also happened to be the moment i lost control of all that
energy. i let out one of the awefullest banshee screams i have ever heard
in my entire life. the last i saw of that little kid, he was running for
the exit, dripping all the way.
oddly, i felt powerful again. i had destroyed a little kid in a
video game and managed to scare him to urination in the process. nevermind
that i was standing in a puddle of this little boys fear.
i was avenged.
--index-------------------------------------------------------------------
.db.
title author
01 the other white meat creed
02 several k-leet hax0rs sittin around a campfire and groovin creed
03 nuclear weapons, global destruction, op wars. creed
04 a young man, an infant, a yak... all living in sin creed
05 household uses for afghanistanian food creed
06 pour cement down my anus hooch
07 hail santa! creed
08 hasidism and sysops - a pair for the nineties? hooch
09 lunchables rock. creed
10 t-shirts and toejam bedlam
11 nap-time - the dog prank - exclusive interview hooch
12 movie reviews showgirls!@ - win95 vs. os/2 sorta hooch
13 straight outta compton - dialchix - muh dawg!@ hooch
14 im a tall, goofy, dorky, chink phorce
15 bedazzled by the eliteness creed
16 how to blow your nuts out with cornstarch and orangina creed
17 i am a warez pup - who are you? hooch
18 lemmings phorce
19 the science of astrology belial
20 the notorious anticlimactic bastards of the zine scene cd/h0
21 dUcK 54uc3?!!? phorce
22 top 5000 reasons why i should kill myself creed
23 citrus fruits for sale phorce
24 group masturbation belial
25 ethereal experiences for perverted pyromaniacs creed
26 catering for the warez eleet phorce
27 brief mental pause belial
28 the army day camp belial
29 the geek theory, hickies, and another long day creed
30 nets, zines, and that chick from wings hooch
31 mentos! the freedom giver! mercuri
32 ramblings of a poseur bedlam
33 sitcoms, stereotypes, and satan creed
34 fuck you - a note to all yall on zines hooch
35 apples, oranges, and pears phorce
36 the little cultist that couldnt creed
37 careening through hyperspace at a slug-like rate creed
38 snowday phorce
39 creed is g0d creed
40 big hurt is ruler of the earth bighurt
41 dead people, nasty thoughts, and colored glue bighurt
42 bbs softwares/internet hooch
43 abandon thy gods! from yonder cometh y0lk! creed
44 mogels own very special personalized 1 y0lk issue phorce
45 your burro is no jackass! creed
46 rollerskates, indians, eagles and cougars creed
47 outer space, ice cream, streetcars and gophers creed
48 Evan the genius becomes enlightened and melts his face off creed
49 6 insignificant ziners in a bowling microcosm of life creed
50 the best of the worst creed
51 the prince of darkness versus some guy named dave trip
52 ode to my feet creed
53 hopelessly lost poots
54 the schoolhouse r0x! phorce
55 campbells chicken-noodle soup omen of death creed
56 dead cats juke
57 my inner taco handle
58 my place, or yours? mercuri
59 how to really use that spiffy monopoly money lumpy
60 struggle wif the giant pink elephant lucifer
61 why did the chicken cross the road? insane
62 y0lk test pattern mutter
63 ELiTE LiT from the master himself creed
64 creeds k-rad lit archives, volume two creed
65 UNSOPHISTICATED FASCIST BASTARDS. YOU DONT UNDERSTAND ME. creed
66 how y0lk saved my life sorta creed
67 shiny nickles, no more TP, and shitty knuckles ideal
68 some puppet plays phorce
69 ... Hello operator ... mutter
70 i bit my nail, now my finger is bleeding. traq
71 battle of the ants rage
72 fun on the phone ideal
73 yabba-dabba do, scooby-dooby do, and many other mysteries.. handle
74 i love you as my own mother sphrog
75 jamesy and the giant slinky jamesy
76 do not fuck with the big and hairy bears murmur
77 horror story oeb
78 dat wh0re s.sheep
79 the ewok rant taraxis
80 the arcade avenger tao
TT
--infoez--------------------------------------------------------------------
if you see your name on that chart, you are a y0lk member, whether you
like it or not. if you are a y0lk member, you have a y0lk member board, et
cetera.
phoenix 201 is the official eleet telecom section of y0lk
hooch is the stupendous chief shephard of y0lk.
phorce is the head samurai of y0lk! beware!
mindcrime is an official y0lk member, cuz hes just so damn wacky-ass.
heil creed. HEIL! HEIL!
to get all the rest of the y0lks, ftp to ftp.openix.com /ftp/phorce/y0lk
or... call our world headquarters, erebus, at 201-762-1373. k-rad.
*or*... look for y0lkb0t on irc, efnet. type @y0lk number for y0lks.
OR... ATTENTION y0lkies! join the y0lk mailing list! chat about y0lk
and all them other zines, too! email listserv@magsystems.com with the line
subscribe y0lk in the body of the message.
dont you feel like youre getting a little too much information here?
couldnt we just show our ftp site and shut up? its just sad that we
have to advertise all our cheap media at the bottom of every textfile
like this. what a bunch of losers we are.
log in to add a comment.