----------------------------------------------------------------------------- (onfinement Vol.1 Issue.1 Released 08/28/93 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- (onfinement Publications '93 In This First Issue: [1] Message From The Editor. [2] Phun At The Quik-E-Mart. [3] Matchbox Want Ads. [4] Ingenious Plan #1 : Homeboy Bashing [5] The Demise Of -6o4- Land. -*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* DiSCLAiMER: (Usual Bullshit) Blah,blah,blah. We take no responsibility for the shit you pull no matter how inspired by us even if you are completely drunk/stoned. -*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* A Message From The Editor: -------------------------- Well, all these articles you see here were supposed to appear in an E-Mag, which never happened.. (duh) so I basically threw all the articles I wrote, (no matter how shitty) into this k-elite issue. I'll definately write more, depending on feedback, etc. Anyway, have phun. - Hype ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Phun At The Quik-E-Mart ----------------------- There are many public enemies out there nowadays, drugs, violence, alcohol, Geraldo. But the one main public enemy has not been entirely noticed by the public. And that main enemy, is the QuiK-E-Mart. Let's face facts here. Let's say it's 10pm at night, and you have the urge for a Coke. Nothings open at this hour, so you are forced to head to the QuiK-E-Mart, conviently located at every single goddam corner, run by your basic non-english speaking immigrant. After arriving at the QuiK-E-Mart, you walk past the many isles of stale beef jurky to the soda machine. After picking up your dirty, cum stained paper cup, you start pumping loads of flat, warm, watered-down Coke into your 10 Litre cup. And yes, conviently, there is no ice. You then pay 2X as much for this as you would anywhere else and head on your way. Violence is not the problem here, it's the QuiK-E-Mart's, and the 22 year old acme-ridden-no-life-stay-home-on-Saturday-night-and-play-Nintendo employee working behind the counter. Think of all the kids that spend their whole allowances at this place, these guys must be making a fortune! The main pet peeve for me is their goddam 20 year old pinball games. They eat your quarters so the owners can eat more beef jerky, and when you try and get your quarter back, the geek working behind the counter says, " Ah well, tough luck, that's your problem. " After that I usually respond with, " Ok fine, I'm going to go beat the fucking shit out of your machine until it GiVES me my quarter back, one way or another. " And then I go and beat and rape the machine rapidly until Abdul comes and kicks me out. This pisses me off, so I've come up with a few ways to piss THEM off. 1.) If your quarter gets stuck, just beat the SHiT out of the machine. 2.) If you ask for a price or something on their 2 year old candy bars, talk like an East Indian and say, " Hey, Abdul! How much are these? " 3.) Find the light switches, turn 'em off and on until they come and check, and then run out to the front of the store and stuff as much shit in your pockets as you possibly can. 4.) Try and get them to bitch at you, stare 'em right in the eye, and mouth 'em off, or else after they've stopped bitching, (say nothing until this point) respond with, " Hiya. " 5.) Usually in the back freezer they have an alarm type thing, whenever you open the freezer, it makes a buzzing in the front so they can watch what you're doing. Grab something and shove it in the door so the buzzing doesn't stop. 6.) Here's one that's fun to watch the expression on their face. Go to their little candy section up near the front, and just start chowing down. See what they do. 7.) Most QuiK-E-Mart's have a photo copier. Before you enter the QuiK-E-Mart, make a sign that says, " Suck my dick " or something along that line. Since these machines are 'copy now pay later' just put in your sign, and set the number of copies to a nice number like, 900. Start it, and take off. One of my friends got kicked out forever for this one, after about 500 copies or so. 8.) Head to their potato chip section. Now crush every single bag, and people who bought the chips will return them and want their money back. A waste, but effective. I do this all the time when I go to the Quik-E-Mart, just to piss them off, since their complete assholes and deserve severe beatings to the head. So go out and raise some hell, and do the world a favour while you're at it. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Those Annoying Matchbox Job Ads ------------------------------- I was watching TV just the other day when I saw the most pythetic commercial, actually, a few. All put out by the same company. One of them stated, " You too can be a correctional officer. You'll learn firearms, management skills, and tricks of the trade..." After rolling around on the ground laughing at that pythetic commercial. I started thinking, " Ohhhh yessss, firearms skills for gunning down your 'client' after he molests you. " Don't forget managament skills! Management skills!? Yessss, you too can be Bruno's correctional officer, who axe murdered his whole family to death, raped them, cut them into pieces and ate them. Are we having PHUN yet? I think not. Tricks of the trade? You mean like how to bribe people like Bruno to not bum-fuck his jail mate, and stay clean? Wow, all this, for $12,ooo a year, I'm so tempted to drop out of Harvard to become a correctional officer. Or what about a librarian? " You'll have management skills, and you'll know your way around the Dewey Decimal System..." THE DEWEY DECiMAL SYSTEM!? Oh please, stop it, I'm so tempted. 'Nuff said on that one. Last but not least, a Handy-Capp school teacher aid. " You too can learn to feed Pablem and Gerber to their drooling faces, and you can also learn 1o1 users for handy-drool in this great book, free with your new job. " Ingenious way of grabbing your attention eh? Oh! Oh! I want the book! Let me have the book!!! So next time you feel depressed about working at Micky D's dishing up MC (ardiac Arrest's to low-life scum, remember, you have it easy ... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Ingenious Plan #1 - Homeboy Extermination ----------------------------------------- Oh sure, it started in 1985 or around that dreadful year that rap music reared out it's ugly head. Big deal... not then anyway. But yes, a few years later in this fucked up decade we call the 90's, the human race has been dealt a dreadful blow to the head, rap music became popular, and their followers, the homeboys, came into existance. Let's take a brief look at rap here, how much talent does rap music require? That's right kiddies and fellow pirates, NONE. You get a nice little beat going on yer high tech little gizmos, and you talk about nice things like crime and violence, and raping women. Gee, this sounds pretty fucking wicked so far, huh? A good example of how pythetic rap is would be that song that was #1 requested in North America by some little 5 year old non-english speaking kid. Happy happy joy joy, even a 5 year old can do it. And yes, people thought it was really wicked. Shiah, right, wicked. Okokok, let's just take the rag off of rap for one brief second ... nahhh let's not, im on a roll. Anyway, on to the homeboy bashing. It probably started out like this: some poor black guy was living on the streets, found someones old pair of pants, (baggy jeans, crotch to the knees.) and wore them. He managed to scrounge together some money to get a hair cut, he didnt want to come back to the barbers for awhile because he couldn't afford it, so he gets his head shaved. And voila! People admire this guy for his coolness, so they all dress like him and get into K-Rad rap music, and here this 'fad' is born. Of course at school or whatever, teens notice how this thing is the 'in' thing to do, so of course they do the same, and slowly the virus spreads, until everybody is obsessed with baggy pants and rap music. And finally, in the 90's, nothing but rap is on the radio. Why? Because rappers can whip out tunes a dime a dozen, (remember this requires NO talent whatsoever) and since it's cheap to buy the music, and it's the in thing, radio stations have no problem upon playing mindless song after song of the exact same tune, except with semi different lyrics of course. Instead of beating up on people, tune #2 will be about drive-by shootings. Cool man. Homeboys are pythetic. Seriously, they really are. I guess that's why I find it fun driving through downtown Hong-Kouver with friends and shooting homeboys with paintguns. Heheheh, that was fun. Anyway, on to the master plan. -*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* WARNING!! THiS PORTiON OF THE TFILE CONTAiNS EXPLiCiT PLANS TO HOMEBOY EXTERMiNATiON. iF YOU ARE A HOMEBOY, i SUGGEST YOU QUiCKLY KiLL YOURSELF, AS YOU ARE AN EXTREMELY WORTHLESS HUMAN BEiNG. *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* THE MASTER PLAN: Drop A VERY large A-Bomb on New York. Ingredients: One (1) garbage bag. One (1) baseball bat. Six (6) cans of Coca-Cola. One (1) bag of Hostess potato chips. (Any flavour) One (1) nuclear bomb Ok, first, drop the bomb on New York, killing 90% of the homeboy population. (Good job.) Now drink the coke and eat the chips as you watch people hit 14,4oo degrees centrigrade in about 0.00001 seconds, and laugh and spit on them. Now drop down to the surface (you do have an airplane, right?) and beat the shit out of any remaining homeboys with the baseball bat. Now loot the whole goddam leftovers of the city, stealing expensive shit and stuffing it into your garbage bag, screwing hookers (the semi-melted ones) and smashing leftover rap tapes as you go. Congradulations, after the big rap apple has fallen, the rest will soon come down. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DEMiSE OF -6o4- ------------------- I'm sure some of you (for those who were around) can remember the good old days of the 6o4, like in late '91, and early '92... Pirating back then was actually quite fun, and the 6o4 had their own decent groups like STYX, and DEVO, who brought the warez into our very own 6o4. We had E-Mag groups like Propaganda, that added to the 6o4. When I started pirating way back around Xmas of '91, 24oo's were still around in 'mass quantities', and lamers stayed on their own little 'lamer boards'. Then came the evil day of the 14.4k/v.32bis Sportster, and numbers increased... The K-Elite HST boards grew smaller, and the amount of lamers rapidly increased. I'm not saying V.32bis is lame, what I am saying though is pirating became cheaper, and more public, and so numbers rapidly increased. And then out of all this shit came those users who think they're -way- too wicked for us normal hum-dum users, and made it so you have to be 'elite' to get anywhere in life... Pirating now is like drug trafficing, or prostitution, it's basically been reduced to a pile of shit, in my opinion. Basically what I'm trying to get across is pirating, in 6o4, is now like a game, to see who can claw their way to the top. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Well, that's all she wrote for now... l8r. PHYSiCAL iNSANiTY - 2oo Megz Online. 14.4k/V.32bis ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- (C)opyright (onfinement Publications 1993 All Rights Fucked In The Head