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october 1st 1998 function#5 infofile meaningless quote taken from a random source I *DID* have sexual relations with that woman! - warpus welcome k-mart shoppers Welcome to Function s five month anniversary It s October we are all back in school (or most of us smart people are anyways) and we have less time on our hands than ever In result of this occasion we are celebrating our best pack ever! It makes perfect sense doesn t it =) Last month I lost home access to the Internet and really had no other means of contacting the members of Function (except for Warpus who since the last pack has only spoken to me through a simple long distance call in which he complained about the lack of a September pack and an unfortunate fridge-kicking incident As a result of these misfortunes (mostly the fridge- kicking) we did not release a September pack We re not dead though in fact we re about as healthy as Clinton s present role in American society In a related matter get ready to splooge all over yourselves because there are more pics in this pack than any of our previous packs can shake a stick at I d like to apologize to the members of Function for not making a particularly back-breaking effort to get in contact with them It was brought to my attention during September that I could have easily relayed a message through Nitnatsnoc who lives in the same area code as I telling the members what was up Sorry but it s been a busy summer and well I slept a lot Deal with it Big up to Gravedancer for putting all of his life-related- responsibilities aside and locking himself in complete isolation for the past month By complete isolation I mean other than his computer a copy of Aciddraw and 4 or 5 dozen bean and cheese burritos more filler less filling Wow this is great I have finally approached the news section of this infofile with nothing more to say than what is said in the above introductory paragraph Well fuck me in my goat ass All I can do now is write a short plug for my dead electronic magazine Omlette just recently released its 4th (and last) issue You can find all of the issues of Omlette in codied or HTML format at http www omlette cjb net Omlette is a humour based magazine not an art scene blabbermouth rant-n-rave horror show like so many other magazines we have seen in the past Dear Filth ahd Inazone No I am not referring to you =) The reason that I killed Omlette is in the editorial of the new issue itself so go get it or I will pack your dog s arsehold with worms And maybe yours too On a completely unrelated note I am now in first year college studying (gasp) computers and mathematics Cthulu also goes to the same college which means I get to see him more often Well once a week (the majority of his courses are in the evening) isn t that often but it s better than once a year =) Anyways the moral of the story is this He eats whole carrots Lots of them Big ones too applying If you wish to apply to our cattle loving group please zip up as many works of your recent art as you feel necessary along with the text file created by our application generator and send it to either Quip (jmalcolm@geocities com) new interns (1) ville From such great groups as Fire and Nerp comes Ville His handle kind of resembles the word veal Anyways Ville hasn t contacted us since the day he joined which leads us to believe that he has been sliced up and sold in the meats section at Safeway Apparently before his demise Ville stated that he had some ansi sitting at home on his computer More recent news informed that he no longer lives at home Greeaat media outcasts (2) garroter Garroter aka The Fonz decided that his ansi career was done for After telling us that he would probably not be producing any artwork we remained hopeful for a month but now we must face the music and let him go Yeah that s right and don t came back you filthy ditch pig kleenex After using him to wipe a tear from our eye we tossed Kleenex into a huge dark abyss where he err well he draws ansi for Awe and Dark now corrections The above comment about Garroter being a filthy ditch pig was really a naughty joke We still love him and his vast knowledge of various sexual positions I also have a correction to make about the quote at the top of this infofile Warpus did NOT in fact sleep with that woman It turned out that there actually was no woman and that his object of desire was only Fuzzy our very own Internet guy In a related rumour I heard that Fuzzy has started his own web pornography complex called Fuzzy Bares in conclusion Thanks for viewing the pack (assuming that you have or intend to) If you want to join then apply It s as simple as that Oh and if you re looking for a place to sell yourself Mistigris is celebrating their 4th anniversary this October so guest some art with them Last year s 3rd anniversary pack was huge and I have a feeling this is going to become a trend thanks for last night fuzzy For designing our web page haji Once again for the same excellent file_id diz header by ironghost and warpus infofile by quip header touch-ups by quip eofunction#5_1998 ps Conan O Brien Okay I ll be Kenneth Starr Here s a bible Do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth (long pause) Bill Clinton They re not really going to ask me that are they