DISORDER IN THE COURT A COLLECTION OF TRANSQUIPS by Richard Lederer Most language is spoken language and most words once they are uttered vanish forever into the air But such is not the case with language spoken during courtroom trials for there exists an army of courtroom reporters whose job it is to take down and preserve every statement made during the proceedings Mary Louise Gilman the venerable editor of the National Shorthand Reporter has collected many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers in two books Humor in the Court (1977) and More Humor in the Court published a few months ago From Mrs Gilman s two volumes here are some of my favorite transquips all recorded by America s keepers of the word _________________________________________________________________ Q What is your brother in law s name A Borofkin Q What s his first name A I can t remember Q He s been your brother in law for years and you can t remember his first name A No I tell you I m too excited (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr Borofkin ) Nathan for God s sake tell them your first name! _________________________________________________________________ Q Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York A I refuse to answer that question Q Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago A I refuse to answer that question Q Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami A No _________________________________________________________________ Q Now Mrs Johnson how was your first marriage terminated A By death Q And by whose death was it terminated _________________________________________________________________ Q Doctor did you say he was shot in the woods A No I said he was shot in the lumbar region _________________________________________________________________ Q What is your name A Ernestine McDowell Q And what is your marital status A Fair _________________________________________________________________ Q Are you married A No I m divorced Q And what did your husband do before you divorced him A A lot of things I didn t know about _________________________________________________________________ Q And who is this person you are speaking of A My ex widow said it _________________________________________________________________ Q How did you happen to go to Dr Cherney A Well a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr Cherney and said he was really good _________________________________________________________________ Q Do you know how far pregnant you are right now A I will be three months November 8th Q Apparently then the date of conception was August 8th A Yes Q What were you and your husband doing at that time _________________________________________________________________ Q Mrs Smith do you believe that you are emotionally unstable A I should be Q How many times have you comitted suicide A Four times _________________________________________________________________ Q Doctor how many autopsies have you peformed on dead people A All my autopsies have been performed on dead people _________________________________________________________________ Q Were you aquainted with the deceased A Yes sir Q Before or after he died _________________________________________________________________ Q Officer what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence A Because he was argumentary and he couldn t pronunciate his words _________________________________________________________________ Q What happened then A He told me he says I have to kill you because you can identify me Q Did he kill you A No _________________________________________________________________ Q Mrs Jones is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney A No This is how I dress when I go to work _________________________________________________________________ THE COURT Now as we begin I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds if you have any _________________________________________________________________ Q Did he pick the dog up by the ears A No Q What was he doing with the dog s ears A Picking them up in the air Q Where was the dog at this time A Attached to the ears _________________________________________________________________ Q When he went had you gone and had she if she wanted to and were able for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go gone also would he have brought you meaning you and she with him to the station MR BROOKS Objection That question should be taken out and shot _________________________________________________________________ Q And lastly Gary all your responses must be oral O K What school do you go to A Oral Q How old are you A Oral _________________________________________________________________ Q What is your relationship with the plaintiff A She is my daughter Q Was she your daughter on February 13 1979 _________________________________________________________________ Q Now you have investigated other murders have you not where there was a victim _________________________________________________________________ Q and what did he do then A He came home and next morning he was dead Q So when he woke up the next morning he was dead _________________________________________________________________ Q Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities A He didn t offer me nothing he just said I could have the furniture _________________________________________________________________ Q So after the anesthesia when you came out of it what did you observe with respect to your scalp A I didn t see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital Q It was covered A Yes bandaged Q Then later on what did you see A I had a skin graft My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head _________________________________________________________________ Q Could you see him from where you were standing A I could see his head Q And where was his head A Just above his shoulders _________________________________________________________________ Q Do you drink when you re on duty A I don t drink when I m on duty unless I come on duty drunk _________________________________________________________________ Q any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial A The victim lived _________________________________________________________________ Q Are you qualified to give a urine sample A Yes I have been since early childhood _________________________________________________________________ Q The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased objective witness isn t it You too were shot in the fracas A No sir I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval _________________________________________________________________ Q (Showing man picture ) That s you A Yes sir Q And you were present when the picture was taken right _________________________________________________________________ Q Was that the same nose you broke as a child _________________________________________________________________