COUPLES ========== (1) A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their wedding anniversary The husband gave his wife a gift - a tombstone with the inscription Here lies my wife - cold as ever Later the furious wife bought a return present - also a tombstone - on which the inscription read Here lies my husband - stiff at last ************************** (2) At a silver wedding anniversary the husband was standing in one corner looking very sad What s the matter asked his friend Well a week after marriage I got fed up and wanted to kill my wife but my lawyer said that I would get 25 years Now I realise that today I would have been a free man *************************** (3) A couple were in bed after celebrating their golden anniversary The wife said Darling embrace me the way you used to when we first got married He did Now kiss me the way you used to Now darling bite me the way you used to At this point the husband got out of bed and the wife said Where are you going dear To get my teeth the husband replied ************************* (4) During their silver anniversary a wife reminded her husband Do you remember when you proposed to me I was so overwhelmed that I didn t talk for an hour The hubby replied Yes honey that was the happiest hour of my life ************************* (5) When a bachelor marries his wife has three qualities - she is an economist in the kitchen an aristocrat in the living room and a devil in bed After a few years sure enough the three qualities remain but not in the same order - she is an aristocrat in the kitchen a devil in the living room and an economist in bed ************************** (6) On the first night of their marriage the groom told the bride Darling love is blind Yes dear replied the bride but the neighbours are not so please close the windows ********************* (7) A couple got married The bride being religious hung a sign on the wall above her bed The sign said I need thee everday A week later the groom got a sign made and hung it over his bed The sign said God give me strength ********************* (8) Man at 86 who marries a girl of 25 is like buying a bestseller for others to read *********************** (9) Soon after the late night news on TV the groom asked the bride Honey what do you think of the Middle East position Said the bride I don t know I have never tried it (Dumb blonde) *********************** (10) A wife suspected that her husband was having an affair with the maid She thought of a plan to take him by surprise One Friday she told the maid to take the day off and that night she went into the maid s room switched off all the lights and in pitch darkness slipped into the bed Sure enough at midnight there were footsteps and a figure opened the door and slipped into the maid s bed beside her After a few passionate kisses the wife suddenly switched on the lights and asked Surprised I sure am ma am! stammered the chauffeur ********************* (11) A husband and wife were shopping when the wife said Darling it s my mother s birthday tomorrow What shall we buy for her She would like something electric The husband replied How about a chair ******************** (12) Adam and the Eve were the happiest and the luckiest couple in the world because neither of them had a mother-in-law ******************** (13) The best definition of mixed feeling is when your mother-in-law borrows your new Rolls-Royce and she drives it off the cliff ******************* (14) If you want a perfect stereo for your car then let your wife sit in the front and your mother-in-law in the back ********************** (15) Two friends met You look sad Fred what s the trouble asked the first friend Domestic trouble But you always bragged that your wife is a pearl She still is It s the mother-of-pearl that makes all the trouble