THE ROCKY & BULLWINKLE HORROR PICTURE SHOW by Joe Blevins NOTE This is a revised deluxe version of the screenplay I orginally posted Some of the scenes and characters have been changed and song parodies have been added Plus in the first version I only used characters from The Adventures of Rocky & Bullwinkle Unfortunately those cartoons only had four main characters (Rocky Bullwinkle Boris and Natasha) so I had Boris and Natasha play multiple parts and used rather obscure characters like Captain Peter Wrongway Peachfuzz and Fearless Leader to round out the cast In this version I decided to use characters from Dudley Do-Right of the Mounties and Peabody s Improbable History two other popular segments which aired alongside R & B This gave me the chance to sneak in an inside joke replacing Little Nell with Nell Fenwick Dudley Do-Right s (sort of) girlfriend So as David St Hubbins of Spinal Tap might say I hope you enjoy our new direction And please keep that feedback coming! By the way the script is so long it had to be divided into five episodes *** Start with opening graphics from 20th Century Flops studios and fanfare played by kazoos We see a totally black screen (on screen) 20th Century Flops Presents A Jay Ward DelVarmint Production Music fades in A large pair of lips appears out of the inky blackness LIPS (sings) Snagglepuss was okay But he was prob ly gay Cause his fur was -- shocking pink And Bugs Bunny would gloat When he got Elmer s goat Then he d turn to the camera and wink That Daffy s a riot I wanted to try it When he shot off his beak with a gun Whenever Scooby-Doo Was searching for a clue I d always shout Run stupid run! Chorus Animated -- cartoon features Elmer Fudd -- will shoot at creatures See Foghorn Leghorn -- and Chilly Willy Speedy Gonzales -- acted so silly Woah oh oh ohhhhhh On those great old -- early morning -- cartoon shows During this chorus the lips fade out and we see title and cast credits THE ROCKY & BULLWINKLE HORROR PICTURE SHOW Starring BORIS BADENOV as Dr Bad-N-Uff (a nutcase) ROCKET ROCKY J SQUIRREL as Rocky Weiss (a squirrel hero) BULLWINKLE J MOOSE as Bullwinkle Majors (a moose hero) SNIDELY WHIPLASH as Whip-Lash (a handyman) NATASHA FATALE as Natasha (a domestic) LITTLE NELL FENWICK as Canadia (a nutcase s assistant) MR PEABODY as Dr Von Peabody (a really smart dog) DUDLEY DO-RIGHT as Dudley Horror (a mountie) SHERMAN as Shermie (a boy) and WILLIAM CONRAD as the Narrator (a know-it-all) Lips fade back in LIPS Oh I really loved Porky Who talked kinda dorky When he tried to say really long words And that mean cat Sylvester Who d constantly pester That poor little innocent bird In the eighties the Smurfs Conqured toon turf But now they ve been pulled off the air And when Mel Blanc died Said Chuck Jones to his bride Now we ll never hear Daffy Duck swear Too bad! Chorus Animated -- cartoon features Elmer Fudd will shoot at creatures See Foghorn Leghorn -- and Chilly Willy Speedy Gonzales -- acted so silly Woah oh oh ohhhhhh On those great old -- early morning -- cartoon shows Remember those Woah ohhhh I love all them -- early morning -- cartoon shows Don t pick your nose! Woah ohhhh On those great old -- early morning -- cartoon shows They don t wear clothes! Ah-ohhhh On those great old -- early morning -- cartoon shows Music fades out *** Dissolve to close-up of TV antennae Pan down to reveal that the antennae is on top of charming little cottage Off-screen narrator speaks NARRATOR I would like if I may to take you to the lovely little community of Frostbite Falls home of the man with the world s biggest thumb Quick cut to man in overalls modeling huge thumb to onlookers with cameras Back to original scene NARRATOR And also our heroes Rocky Weiss and Bullwinkle Majors! Dissolve to inside of cottage Rocky a squirrel is frying eggs on a skillet while Bullwinkle a moose is watching TV VOICE ON TV I have never been a quitter To leave office before my term is completed is abhorrent to every instinct in my body BULLWINKLE (snapping off TV) Gee Rock I m bored The only thing on the tube is this Nichard Rixon fella ROCKY Don tcha mean Richard Nixon BULLWINKLE Ahhh I get all those used car salesmen confused ROCKY Richard Nixon isn t a used car salesmen! BULLWINKLE What s the difference ROCKY Well a used car salesman is an untrustworthy double-dealer who lies and cheats and Richard Nixon is uh never mind Music starts BULLWINKLE Hey Rocky ROCKY Yeah Bullwinkle BULLWINKLE I ve got something to say ROCKY Well get on with it BULLWINKLE I really hate the -- boring way We do the same old thing -- every single day ROCKY Oh Bullwinkle! Music swells up Singing starts BULLWINKLE On Monday I cleaned out my sock drawer (I m bored) Then I hung out a while at the shoe store (I m bored) Then read books on President Fillmore (I m bored) What I m trying to say is just Oh Lord -- I m bored -- miserably On Tuesday I cleaned off the screen door (I m bored) Then read up on how pigs feet get stored (I m bored) My whole friggin life is a big snore (I m bored) What I m trying to say is just Oh Lord -- I m bored -- miserably Bullwinkle drags Rocky outside of the cabin and points to the horizon We see a sign in the background Frostbite Falls Home of the Man With the World s Biggest Thumb BULLWINKLE We could have a hit show in the making With bad jokes and lousy puns There s adventure out there for the taking Oh R-O-C-K-Y I need some fun! ROCKY Oh there s really some work I should get done (No fun!) I m not rich like that guy with the huge thumb (No fun!) Can t chat any more really must run (No fun!) I ll bet Bullwinkle thinks that I m Glum -- no fun -- anymore I m glum! BULLWINKLE Oh my Lord! ROCKY No fun! BULLWINKLE I m so bored! ROCKY No more! BULLWINKLE Don t be a bore ROCKY & BULLWINKLE Life is a game not a chore! Let s score! BULLWINKLE So let s rev up our trusty jalopy (Rocky) It runs good though it looks kind of sloppy (Rocky) We ll eat nothing but junk and get stocky (Rocky) When we re on the road we ll be Rockin -- Rocky -- wait and see Oh Lord I m bored! ROCKY I m glum! No fun! BULLWINKLE Oh Lord I m bored! ROCKY & BULLWINKLE Miserably Music ends ROCKY By the way Bullwinkle what gave you the idea to have an adventure anyway BULLWINKLE We have an adventure every week at this time that s why Rocky turns to the audience and shrugs *** Rocky and Bullwinkle are now driving down a deserted road in their beat-up old jalopy Rocky s driving and Bullwinkle s in the back strumming a ukulele The sky is gray and cloudy NARRATOR That kind of reasoning was hard to argue with and our boys were soon out on the road It s true there were dark storm clouds -- heavy black and pendulous -- toward which they were driving It s true also BULLWINKLE Hey Narrator knock it off! You re gonna jinx us! NARRATOR Oh sorry Suddenly we hear a loud boom Rocky stops the car ROCKY What was that boom BULLWINKLE Gee it must ve been something I ate ROCKY No I don t think so We probably just caught a flat tire BULLWINKLE How bout that! And I wasn t even fishing for a flat tire! ROCKY Hey Bullwinkle where s the spare tire in this car BULLWINKLE You mean that big black ring in the trunk ROCKY Yeah that s the one Where is it BULLWINKLE I ate it ROCKY You ate it ! BULLWINKLE Yeah I thought it was an industrial-sized donut No wonder it tasted so funny ROCKY Well without another tire this car isn t going anywhere We ll have to look for help on foot Oh well at least it isn t raining! Suddenly it starts pouring down rain BULLWINKLE You had to say something didn t you *** The sun has set Rocky and Bullwinkle are walking down the road amidst the pouring rain Bullwinkle shields himself with a comic book They come upon a sign ROCKY (reading the sign) Big Scary Castle one mile ahead Enter at your own risk! Tourists welcome! Ask about group rates! Well what do you think Bullwinkle BULLWINKLE You mean I gotta choice ROCKY I see what you mean The audience would be disappointed if we didn t check it out BULLWINKLE (to audience) Hope you re happy audience They resume walking Music starts *** They eventually reach the castle which is indeed big and scary There s a light on in an upper-story window The place looks very forboding and R & B are visably scared ROCKY (sings) I wish we had stayed home And just watched TV I can see -- this just won t work out I just give *up* so-oh Count me out! ROCKY & BULLWINKLE What a night! BACKGROUND SINGERS Going to the Bad-N-Uff Place ROCKY & BULLWINKLE This looks li-i-i-i-i-i-i-ike BACKGROUND SINGERS Something out of outer space Puzzled Rocky and Bullwinkle look around to see where the background music is coming from and then resume singing ROCKY & BULLWINKLE What a night -- of fright We ll be lucky -- to get out with our li-i-i-ife We move in closer on the upper story window where we see Whip-Lash a green skinned villian dressed in black He has a black top hat and a thin mustache WHIP-LASH These morons don t know All the trouble -- they re creating I ll play it cool -- I m no fool I ll just be waiting Biding my time Biding my ti-i-i-i-i-ime Back to Rocky and Bullwinkle who are facing each other ROCKY & BULLWINKLE What a night! BACKGROUND SINGERS Going to the Bad-N-Uff Place ROCKY & BULLWINKLE This looks li-i-i-i-i-i-i-ike BACKGROUND SINGERS Something out of outer space What a night -- of fright ROCKY & BULLWINKLE We ll be lucky -- to get out with our li-i-i-ife Music fades out *** Rocky and Bullwinkle are now at the front door of the big scary castle Rocky rings the doorbell which plays a funeral march BULLWINKLE Gee Rock I don t know about this Even the doorbell gives me the creeps ROCKY Relax We re the good guys Nothing bad ever happens to the good guys BULLWINKLE Oh yeah I almost forgot Whip-Lash opens the door slowly WHIP-LASH (rudely) What do you want ROCKY Uh we just want to use the telephone I m Rocky and this is Bullwinkle Our car broke down at the beginning of this cartoon WHIP-LASH You re all wet BULLWINLKLE Of course we re all wet It s been rainin cats and dogs Bullwinkle is conked on the head by a falling cat WHIP-LASH No I meant your sorry jokes were all wet ROCKY Well can we come in and use the telephone or not A lightbulb appears over Whip-Lash s head signifying sudden inspiration WHIP-LASH Sure If you re willing to pay the fee that is ROCKY You charge people to use the telephone WHIP-LASH We ve got to make money somehow You re the first tourists who ve come here in ages! BULLWINKLE Y know he s got a point Rock WHIP-LASH That ll be five bucks ROCKY (reluctantly handing over a bill) All right here s five bucks Can we use the phone now WHIP-LASH Certainly Right this way Whip-Lash leads R & B into the creepy castle NARRATOR And so fate it seems had smiled on our heroes Rocky and Bullwinkle But what awaits them inside this maniacal mansion this hideous hacienda this dreary dwelling this WHIP-LASH (sticking his head out the door) Enough already with these corny jokes! Rocky Bullwinkle and Whip-Lash are all standing in the dusty cobweb-filled oddly decorated foyer of the house Ooh-pah band music can be heard playing faintly in the background ROCKY Hey we didn t catch your name WHIP-LASH That s because I didn t drop it ROCKY Now who s doing the corny jokes WHIP-LASH Sorry about that Whip-Lash the butler at your service BULLWINKLE That sure is a strange name Mr Atyourservice WHIP-LASH I m a strange guy ROCKY (noticing the music) Is there some kind of party going on here tonight WHIP-LASH You ve arrived on a rather convenient night plot-wise The master is hosting a convention of tourists from his homeland of Pottsylvania BULLWINKLE Neat-o! Suddenly Natasha -- a tall thin pale woman with long black hair -- emerges from the shadows She is dressed in a maid s uniform and speaks with a strange accent NATASHA You re neat-o! He s neat-o! I m neat-o! We re all neat-o! Ha ha ha ha ha ha! BULLWINKLE (to Rocky) Between you and me I think she s more nutso than neat-o! Music starts Whip-Lash opens a coffin-shaped grandfather clock to reveal a skeleton watching Road Runner cartoons on a tiny TV set WHIP-LASH In the sixties Toons were nifty Violence -- left unchecked But then some parents NATASHA Got too overprotective WHIP-LASH That s how -- toons got wrecked I remember -- watching cartoon shows Laughing -- my ass off when Someone would get blown up I hate being grown up! Whip-Lash and Natasha open double doors at the end of the front hall leading to a ballroom full of stern-looking middle-aged men in cheap suits A banner in back reads POTTSYLVANIAN CONVENTION The Pottsylvanian tourists sing and dance with little enthusiasm POTTSYLVANIANS Let s do the Toon Warp again Let s do the Toon Warp again NARRATOR First you re hit with a safe POTTSYLVANIANS Then blown up with dynami-i-i-i-i-ite NARRATOR Then you re pushed off a cliff POTTSYLVANIANS And get scrunched up real ti-i-ight But getting hit by trucks Can really drive you insa-a-a-a-a-ane Let s do the Toon Warp again Let s do the Toon Warp again NATASHA They re so funny Elmer Fudd and Bugs Bunny Right on the money -- every gag kills! And Tex Avery s Droopy I m that dog s biggest groupie Toons are cooler -- than kosher dills WHIP-LASH They can fall from tall places NATASHA Land right on their faces WHIP-LASH Soon they ll -- be looking just the same NATASHA Toons don t wind up in traction WHIP-LASH They get back into the action POTTSYLVANIANS Let s do the Toon Warp again Let s do the Toon Warp again Whip-Lash and Natasha dance over to Canadia a pretty young woman with a prim old-fashioned dress and hairstyle Canadia is sitting on top of a crate labelled Canadian Bacon CANADIA Well I was watchin Betty Boop Tryin to copy her voice If I picked my favorite toon She d surely be my choice Well she dresses great -- Her hair is groovy too And all she ever says is Boop Boop a Doop Well her skull is huge But she s not a freak I watch Betty each and every week POTTSYLVANIANS Let s do the Toon Warp again Let s do the Toon Warp again NARRATOR First you re hit with a safe POTTSYLVANIANS Then blown up with dynami-i-i-i-i-ite NARRATOR Then you re pushed off a cliff POTTSYLVANIANS And get scrunched up real ti-i-ight But getting hit by trucks Can really drive you insa-a-a-a-a-ane Let s do the Toon Warp again Let s do the Toon Warp again Canadia leaps off the crate and does a very demure tap dance solo Because her dress is so long you can t really see her footwork POTTSYLVANIANS Let s do the Toon Warp again Let s do the Toon Warp again NARRATOR First you re hit with a safe POTTSYLVANIANS Then blown up with dynami-i-i-i-i-ite NARRATOR Then you re pushed off a cliff POTTSYLVANIANS And get scrunched up real ti-i-ight But getting hit by trucks Can really drive you insa-a-a-a-a-ane Let s do the Toon Warp again Let s do the Toon Warp again Music winds down Everyone except Rocky and Bullwinkle collapses to the floor with exhaustion ROCKY (nudging Bullwinkle) You better say something Bullwinkle BULLWINKLE Uh knock-knock Everyone sits up and pays attention ALL OF GROUP Who s there BULLWINKLE Ida ALL OF GROUP Ida who BULLWINKLE Ida wanna tell ya It s a secret The group looks at Bullwinkle in puzzled silence Rocky groans at Bullwinkle s joke The moose and squirrel back up Behind them an elevator slowly descends Background music builds up The Pottsylvanians and servants rise to their feet ROCKY Uh maybe we should be going BULLWINKLE Gee Rock I was just getting started Hey gang have you heard the one about the priest and the rabbi Rocky turns around to see the elevator opening Bad-N-Uff a short bald man in a black robe steps out Bad-N-Uff s complexion is ghostly white and he wears lots of lipstick and eye-liner Rocky faints BULLWINKLE Was my joke that bad Rocky (finally notices Bad-N-Uff) Yikes! BAD-N-UFF (sings) Nice to meet ya! I m The main feature -- in this Cartoon -- episode I see you re -- somewhat surprised that I m Dressed like this I thought your brians just -- might explode Bad-N-Uff struts across the room in his high-heeled platform shoes to a throne on the ballroom s stage But don t freak out Or get real uptight! Cause I just might be your saviour I ll bet -- mooses and squirrels Don t meet -- guys like me Be prepared for some lurid behavior Bad-N-Uff takes off his robe and tosses it on the throne Underneath he is wearing black lingerie fishnet stockings and a pearl necklace I m just a sweet mad doctor From my homeland of -- Pottsylvania-ah-ha Bad-N-Uff struts around the ballroom Rocky and Bullwinkle follow him Let me -- show you my pad You could -- dry off a tad You look like you ve both -- got the munchies So if want something edible That s somewhat forgettable We could snack on some old -- stale Cheese Crunchies Bad-N-Uff greet various Pottsylvanians and shakes their hands BULLWINKLE I really wish we could stay But well -- not today We both have to get up real early ROCKY Yeah! BULLWINKLE At the -- end of this song We ll just -- move right along A POTTSYLVANIAN (to Bad-N-Uff) A pleasure to meet you Your Wickedness! ROCKY We don t want to dress up like girlies BAD-N-UFF So you -- don t wanna stay Well -- that s OK Just don t leave -- right away now Cause this show needs a plot In case you -- just forgot You re gonna have to stay now -- and play now I m just a sweet mad doctor From my homeland of -- Pottsylvania-ah-ha Bad-N-Uff slumps down into his throne The servants gather around him Why don t you -- crash here til dawn WHIP-LASH Dawn! BAD-N-UFF And sleep on -- the lawn CANADIA Lawn! BAD-N-UFF I could show you my current -- obsession My new -- science project Is a blond-haired sex object Who s just great for relieving de -- pression I m just a sweet mad doctor From my homeland of -- Pottsylvania-ah-ha Bad-N-Uff rises from his throne Kiss my butt! I m just a sweet mad doctor SERVANTS Sweet mad doctor BAD-N-UFF From my homeland of SERVANTS Pottsylvania-ah-ha Bad-N-Uff returns to the elevator BAD-N-UFF So ride up a few floors And -- I ll give you a tour I know you re eager I won t leave you Long pause Rocky and Bullwinkle are in suspense hanging And before too long I ll -- have someone strong The springs inside my bed (laughs) Will soon -- be twanging!!! The music ends The elevator goes up to the next floor Whip-Lash and Natasha start drying Rocky and Bullwinkle off with blood-stained towels ROCKY Gee that woman Bad-N-Uff says he s creating must sure be something special WHIP-LASH I ve got news for you pal It s not a woman he was singing about BULLWINKLE Ya mean he s NATASHA (depressed) He sure is Believe me I should know! CANADIA You re pretty lucky to be invited on the Master s behind-the-scenes tour Some people say it s to die for! BULLWINKLE Gee I don t like the sound of that NATASHA Well there s no time to complain The doctor gets very impatient when people are late for his guided tour Rocky and Bullwinkle are pushed into the elevator Whip-Lash closes the door and takes the elevator up to a laboratory As the elevator arrives Bad-N-Uff is seen in a green surgical gown Whip-Lash opens the gate and motions for Rocky and Bullwinkle to exit As they exit we see the entire lab The Pottsylvanians are leaning over a railing looking down on the proceedings BAD-N-UFF Whip-Lash! Canadia! Natasha! Don t just sit there like a cold plate of borscht! Get everything ready for our little demonstration (turning his attention to Rocky and Bullwinkle) How nice it is to have visitors Here put these on He hands them ridiculous-looking Mickey Mouse hats with ears Rocky and Bullwinkle look at each other shrug and put the hats on BULLWINKLE I don t mean to be rude but why do we have to wear these hats BAD-N-UFF You don t! I was just testing to see how gullible you were BULLWINKLE How d we do BAD-N-UFF Let s say you passed with flying colors WHIP-LASH We re all set doc Bad-N-Uff crosses to a podium and stands between Canadia and Natasha BAD-N-UFF Tonight -- my very conventional conventionists Grumbles and murmurs from Pottsylvanians BAD-N-UFF You will witness the most expensive science project in the history of mankind I have transplanted the brain of a Canadian mountie from the R C M P -- the Royal Canadian Mounted Police -- into the body of a blond adonis Let s see what happens Frank crosses to a large tank which is covered by a cloth BAD-N-UFF Well here goes something! The Pottsylvanians provide limp applause Bad-N-Uff turns to covered tank BAD-N-UFF One for the money Two for the show Three to get ready And four to go! Natasha and Canadia pull the cover off the tank We see what appears to be a bandaged human form inside the water-filled tank BAD-N-UFF (barking orders) Set the transmodulator on high! Set the radiation level at 7 4! Set the blender on frappe! A strange-looking light fixture is lowered toward the tank BULLWINKLE (to Rocky) Gee we should get one of those for the house It would make a swell reading lamp! ROCKY Oh Bullwinkle! The electric light fixture is lowered into the water causing a huge electric shock This zaps the form to life and it jumps out of the tank Canadia and Natasha remove its bandages with scissors and we see that the form is really a blond Mountie in full dress uniform BAD-N-UFF Oh Dudley! Bouncy uptempo music starts DUDLEY (sings) The great R C M P Will always -- capture their man Just give us a call and We ll find him as soon as we can Oh that s our vow! We ll catch the crook anyhow! Oh even now I m looking out for some possible suspects I wake up each morning Looking out for some low-lifes and finks POTTSYLVANIANS He ll solve the crime! DUDLEY I just might uncover a drug smuggler Hiding out in my sink POTTSYLVANIANS He ll solve the crime! DUDLEY My -- life is crime I battle it all the time Hey -- watch out slime! Cause I m looking out for some possible suspects BAD-N-UFF Oh Dudley! POTTSYLVANIANS & SERVANTS Sha la la la He ll solve the crime! DUDLEY Oh yeah yeah yeah POTTSYLVANIANS & SERVANTS Sha la la la He ll solve the crime! DUDLEY Oh yeah yeah yeah POTTSYLVANIANS & SERVANTS Sha la la la He ll solve the crime! He ll solve the -- crime! DUDLEY The great R C M P BAD-N-UFF (getting a bit disgusted) Hoo boy! DUDLEY Will always capture their man POTTSYLVANIANS They ll solve the crime! DUDLEY Just give us a call and we ll Find him as soon as we can POTTSYLVANIANS They ll solve the crime! DUDLEY Oh that s our vow! We ll catch the crook anyhow! Oh even now I m looking out for some possible suspects BAD-N-UFF Du-u-u-u-udley! POTTSYLVANIANS & SERVANTS Sha la la la He ll solve the crime! DUDLEY Oh yeah yeah yeah POTTSYLVANIANS & SERVANTS Sha la la la He ll solve the crime! DUDLEY Oh yeah yeah yeah POTTSYLVANIANS & SERVANTS Sha la la la He ll solve the crime! He ll solve the -- crime! Sha la la la He ll solve the crime! DUDLEY Oh yeah yeah yeah POTTSYLVANIANS & SERVANTS Sha la la la He ll solve the crime! DUDLEY Oh yeah yeah yeah POTTSYLVANIANS & SERVANTS Sha la la la He ll solve the crime! He ll solve the -- crime! Sha la la Music ends Bad-N-Uff knocks Dudley out with a sharp blow to the back of the head with a billy club Dudley sees stars and wobbles around a bit before falling to the floor BAD-N-UFF It s just as I had feared The mountie in him was too strong It took over his entire personality! I ll just need to find another brain for Dudley! ROCKY This has all been fascinating but can we use the phone now BAD-N-UFF That ll be ten bucks each ROCKY & BULLWINKLE Ten bucks each BAD-N-UFF That s to cover wear and tear to the telephone ROCKY Why so high BAD-N-UFF Do you have any idea what a mad doctor makes these days Let me tell ya it s hardly enough to cover the electric bills I need to supplement my income ROCKY (handing over a twenty dollar bill) Here ya go Gee just using the phone is expensive in this place BAD-N-UFF Thanks a bunch ROCKY Now where s the phone BAD-N-UFF We don t got one ROCKY Whaddya mean ya don t got one Why did ya ask us for twenty bucks then BAD-N-UFF Cause I knew you d be dumb enough to pay it BULLWINKLE What do you take us for BAD-N-UFF Twenty bucks so far But the night is still young ROCKY You re the most dishonest crooked man I ve ever met BAD-N-UFF You don t know the half of it Hit it boys! Piano music starts (sings) A moron -- and his cash soon will part From the naive young kid To the senile old fart Cause a scumbag like me With no integrity Will scam em like hell Cause we do it -- so we-e-ell I ll say cheap plastic -- is gold Charge em plenty But they ll be tot lly -- so-o-old Cause I m slick And quite cold Music kicks into high gear Cause I m a crook man Oh baby! BAD-N-UFF & POTTSYLVANIANS Wrote the book man BAD-N-UFF I ll cheat at poker Gin rummy Or even Go Fish Scamming folks out of cash is My ultimate wish It s so easy Cause I got the whole damn thing planned To make extra cash BAD-N-UFF & POTTSYLVANIANS I m the king of -- the sca-a-a-a-am BAD-N-UFF I m dishonest And crooked Telling little white lies So when I steal your cash it Shouldn t be a surprise Such illegal doings Are my everyday plans Cause to make extra cash You suckers! I m the king of -- the sca-a-a-a-am Bad-N-Uff laughs contentedly as the music comes to a close But he s not able to gloat for long Suddenly a large refrgeration unit opens like a drawbridge A little boy breaks through a wall of ice on his tricycle The boy has glasses and red hair and is dressed in short pants and a t-shirt Real kick-ass rock music starts to play The boy takes off his bicycle helmet and gets off the tricycle CANADIA (screaming) Shermie! SHERMIE (singing) Whatever happened to the Wayback Machine It zoomed through time and was pretty keen I met Cleopatra the Nile Queen And in a tube top -- she really looked divine I used to hang with Michelangelo I told Wolfgang Mozart how his songs should go Abe Lincoln didn t wanna be a guest on our show But he did anyway -- and we really had a good ti-i-ime Golly jeepers! Look at me! I used to zoom through history SHERMIE & POTTSYLVANIANS Golly jeepers! Look at me! I think Jay Ward used LSD Golly jeepers! Look at me! I used to zoom through history! Golly jeepers! Look at me! I think Jay Ward used LSD Shermie takes a kazoo out of his pocket and plays a rockin solo The Pottsylvanians sort of dance to the music A POTTSYLVANIAN Ehhh not bad SHERMIE (sings) And George Washington is an old friend of mine I showed Norman Rockwell how to draw a straight line We told Shelley and Byron -- their poems should rhyme And told Benjamin Franklin -- to go fly a ki-ite We went to Rome and fiddled as it burned Socrates and Plato told us stuff they d learned We went to the Dawn of Man and saw the first wheel turned When Columbus got lost -- woo! We tried to steer him ri-i-i-ight Shermie dances with Canadia SHERMIE Golly jeepers! Look at me! I used to zoom through history SHERMIE & POTTSYLVANIANS Golly jeepers! Look at me! I think Jay Ward used LSD! Golly jeepers! Look at me! I used to zoom through history Golly jeepers! Look at me! I think Jay Ward used LSD! The Pottsylvanians form a kick line but only lift their legs a few inches off the ground Bad-N-Uff gets visably upset Sherman starts peddling around the lab on his tricycle SHERMIE & POTTSYLVANIANS Golly jeepers! Look at me! I used to zoom through history Golly jeepers! Look at me! I think Jay Ward used LSD! Golly jeepers! Look at me! I used to zoom through history Golly jeepers! Look at me! I think Jay Ward used LSD! Golly jeepers! Look at me! I used to zoom through history Golly jeepers! Look at me! I think Jay Ward used LSD! Golly jeepers! Look at me! I used to zoom through history Golly jeepers! Look at me! I think Jay Ward used LSD! When Shermie stops his trike Bad-N-Uff chases him into the refrigerator and stufffs him into a meat grinder Music comes to an abrupt end Just as Bad-N-Uff starts to grind Shermie up we cut away to a horrified reaction shot from Canadia Bad-N-Uff stumbles out of the refrigerator BAD-N-UFF (to the stunned crowd) Just a refugee from the Nick at Night vaults The Pottsylvanians laugh heartily for the first time all night BULLWINKLE Gee didja have to kill him like that BAD-N-UFF Well I ve always believed children should be seen and not heard He may have had a certain grade school charm -- but no pubes to speak of yet Dudley snaps out of his coma and lifts his head up DUDLEY I m not sure but I think that was a violation of local laws Bad-N-Uff conks him on the head with a billy club and Dudley is once again out like a light BAD-N-UFF Well I think it s time we turned in for the night Rocky Bullwinkle -- you can stay here tonight as my guests ROCKY Ya mean for free BAD-N-UFF Of course not! This ain t no charity That ll be $200 ROCKY Hmmmm In that case I think we ll just sleep in our car tonight BAD-N-UFF I don t think so During that last musical number I took the liberty of having your car towed away Now fork over the $200 ROCKY (handing him a wad of cash) It s a good thing I make a ton from royalty checks But I still say you re the most dishonest person I ve ever met Music fades back in BAD-N-UFF (sings) Oh corruption And -- some good schemes Being sneaky -- Is my wet dream I m so -- ooooooh -- bad Didn t take too long with you Now you ve both been -- had To make extra cash You know it! BAD-N-UFF & POTTSYLVANIANS I m the king of the -- sca-a-a-a-am BAD-N-UFF I could take all your -- money Boy -- that would be -- funny BULLWINKLE You re a wicked man BAD-N-UFF & POTTSYLVANIANS To make extra cash I m the king of the -- sca-a-a-a-am BAD-N-UFF Catch me -- if you can! BAD-N-UFF & POTTSYLVANIANS To make extra cash I m the king of the -- sca-a-a-a-am Music fades out Bad-N-Uff picks Dudley s unconscious body and carries it to a bridal suite which is adjacent to the lab BAD-N-UFF Now if you don t mind I d like to get acquainted with Dudley here (pause) Didn t you hear me I said GET OUT OF HERE!! Rocky Bullwinkle the Servants and the Pottsylvanians dash toward the elevator *** Cut to a living room in suburban house Two young boys are watching this very cartoon on a TV set FIRST BOY Jeepers I wonder what s gonna happen next SECOND BOY I don t know but I have a feeling the narrator s gonna tell us in a couple of seconds NARRATOR There are some who say that cartoons aren t educational and that shows like this merely rot children s brains If this is so we certainly don t give a damn But getting back to the story SECOND BOY (to first boy) See I told ya! NARRATOR The sudden departure of Bad-N-Uff and his mountie into their honeymoon suite had made Bullwinkle and Rocky feel greatly relieved Mainly because their pocketbooks shrank everytime Bad-N-Uff was around! Well anyway to make a long story short the Pottsylvanians split And Rocky and Bullwinkle were shown to separate rooms *** We are now back in Bad-N-Uff s castle Rocky is led into a pink bedroom by Canadia Whip-Lash and Natasha watch Rocky on a television monitor WHIP-LASH This show stinks! Let s see what else is on! Bullwinkle is led into blue bedroom by Canadia Cut back to Whip-Lash and Natasha watching Bullwinkle on television monitor NATASHA This show isn t much better! *** A little while later Rocky s in bed There s a knock on at the door ROCKY Yeah Who is it BAD-N-UFF (impersonating Bullwinkle s voice) Duh! It s me your big dumb pal Bullwinkle ROCKY Gee your voice sounds funny Bullwinkle Do you have a cold or something BAD-N-UFF Uh yeah I caught it when we were out in the rain ROCKY Oh Well come in then Bad-N-Uff enters the dimly lit bedroom He has a pair of ridiculous antlers strapped to his head BAD-N-UFF I m scared Can I sleep here tonight ROCKY Well I guess so BAD-N-UFF (in his normal voice) Great! Uh I mean (reverts to Bullwinkle voice) Neat-o! Bad-N-Uff climbs into bed with Rocky and pulls out a hack saw ROCKY Hey what are you doing ! Rocky turns on a lamp and sees that Bullwinkle is really Bad-N-Uff ROCKY It s you!!! BAD-N-UFF I m afraid so ROCKY What do you want BAD-N-UFF Your brain ROCKY My brain ! What for BAD-N-UFF I need one for Dudley His brain is defective and I d hate to see all my hard work go down the drain So what do you say Rocky tosses Bad-N-Uff out of bed and into the hallway where he lands on his noggin BAD-N-UFF I ll take that as a no *** Scene shifts to the lab Natasha is mopping and Whip-Lash approaches her After a private discussion Whip-Lash approaches the bridal suite Dudley is in bed reading a book called Great Adventures of the Canadian Mounties Whip-Lash gets Dudley s attention by waving a Canadian flag in front of his face Whip-Lash spits on the flag Dudley becomes enraged Whip-Lash taunts Dudley with the flag and waves it in front of his face like a matador Dudley charges like a bull Whip-Lash pulls the flag away but Dudley keeps running -- right toward the elevator shaft As Dudley tumbles down the elvevator shaft and lands on the ground Natasha and Whip-Lash high-five each other *** Scene changes to Bullwinkle s bedroom Bullwinkle is in bed and Bad-N-Uff impersonating Rocky runs in! BAD-N-UFF (in Rocky voice) Gee Bullwinkle! I m scared! Can I sleep here tonight and maybe remove your brain with a hack saw BULLWINKLE Why sure! Bullwinkle turns on the lamp BULLWINKLE Hey! You re not Rocky!! BAD-N-UFF Fraid not Does our deal still stand Bullwinkle tosses Bad-N-Uff out of the bedroom and into the hall where he again lands on his noggin BAD-N-UFF I guess not Boy I need to buy more insurance! Suddenly Bad-N-Uff receives a signal on his wrist TV It s Whip-Lash WHIP-LASH Your Wickedness Dudley has escaped from the honeymoon suite The mountie is on the run somewhere on the castle grounds Natasha suspects he s looking for clues The pit-bulls have been released BAD-N-UFF (wearily) I ll be there in a second *** We re now in Rocky s bedroom ROCKY Something fishy s going on around here and I m gonna get to the bottom of it! I ll go get Bullwinkle! *** We see Dudley being chased by pit-bulls outside the castle DUDLEY I say! Do you all have dog licenses *** Rocky and Bullwinkle are now in the elevator BULLWINKLE Gee Rock why d ya wake me up I hadn t even fallen asleep yet! ROCKY No time for that Bullwinkle! We ve got to find out what s really going on here! Let s go to the lab BULLWINKLE Better yet let s go to the kitchen! I haven t eaten since this afternoon! Elevator rises to the lab Bullwinkle and Rocky exit They see Dudley curled up on the floor shaking like a leaf His uniform is all muddy and tattered ROCKY (to Bullwinkle) Maybe Dudley can help us! BULLWINKLE Nahhh I don t think so This guy ain t exactly Sgt Preston of the Yukon In fact he s more like Sarge from Beetle Bailey Hearing this Dudley rises to his feet and stands at attention DUDLEY I say! No one questions the honor of a Canadian mountie! Now what s the problem ROCKY I don t trust these people -- especially Bad-N-Uff Maybe you can bring em to justice! *** Scene shifts back to suburban living room The two boys are still watching the film on TV FIRST BOY I wonder if the narrator s gonna tell us what s going on now! SECOND BOY Yeah I suspect he ll start any minute now NARRATOR Mountie (noun) Informal member of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police The two boys look at each other and nod knowlingly NARRATOR Can this mountie help Rocky and Bullwinkle solve this mystery Scene shifts back to the castle Natasha and Canadia are watching the proceedings on their own private monitor NATASHA & CANADIA Don t bet on it Rocky! They laugh hysterically Back to the lab Music starts ROCKY (sings) What a pickle we re in! We can t win That doctor wants to steal our brains Briefly cut back to Canadia & Natasha CANADIA Ya mean he s gotten *that* desperate NATASHA Uh huh Back to lab ROCKY Don t mean to bust your bubble But this place is trouble We d best be saying goodbye On -- the double I ve had all I can take Of all these fla-a-akes Now all I wanna do is leave! NATASHA & CANADIA Leave! Leave! Leave! ROCKY We ll need your trained assistance To cover lots of distance We ll need to hustle like the Detroit Pistons Help-a help-a help-a help me That Bad-N-Uff s crazy Fetch him! Catch him! That retch him! Mountie of the North When you ve captured the crooks Then we ll book We ll catch the next train for the coast NATASHA & CANADIA Coast! Coast! Coast! ROCKY If we don t get out soon now That might spell our doom now We may not even li-ive Through this cartoon now Help-a help-a help-a help me That Bad-N-Uff s crazy Fetch him! Catch him! That retch him! Mountie of the North Back to Natasha and Canadia s room Natasha and Canadia are mocking Rocky They ve even gone so far as to put on aviator s caps and goggles just like the ones Rocky wears CANADIA Help-a help-a help-a help me NATASHA That Bad-N-Uff s crazy CANADIA Fetch him! Catch him! That retch him! NATASHA Mountie of the North Back to lab ROCKY Oh! Help-a help-a help-a help me Oh! That Bad-N-Uff s crazy Fetch him! Catch him! That retch him! Mountie of the North DUDLEY Mountie of the North At this point Rocky begins to hallucinate and imagines various people when he looks at Dudley BULLWINKLE Mountie of the North BAD-N-UFF Mountie of the North NATASHA Mountie of the North WHIP-LASH Mountie of the North CANADIA Mountie of the North DUDLEY Mountie of the North!! ROCKY Mountie of the North! Oh!! The music stops Bad-N-Uff and Whip-Lash come up the elevator into the lab Bad-N-Uff is hitting Whip-Lash with a billy club BAD-N-UFF You numbskull! How did you let Dudley get loose See if you can find him on the monitor! WHIP-LASH I don t have to! He s standing right over there! Whip-Lash points to Dudley Rocky and Bullwinkle BAD-N-UFF Don t talk back to me! When I tell you to do something you do it! Now go turn on the monitor! Whip-Lash turns on the monitor WHIP-LASH Your Wickedness I think there s something you should see! We have a visitor Everyone gathers around the monitor where we see Dr Peabody a little white dog with glasses and a bow tie He looks very well-educated BULLWINKLE Hey Peabody! WHIP-LASH You know this person Bad-N-Uff shoots Whip-Lash a killer look WHIP-LASH This canine BULLWINKLE I sure do He s a regular on The Bullwinkle Show every week! BAD-N-UFF I see! So this isn t just a coincidence! He came here -- for a crossover appearance!!! BULLWINKLE Gee I don t know about that! BAD-N-UFF Silence! You ve told me enough lies for today! Shall we inquire of our canine visitor in person Bad-N-Uff pulls a dog bone out of his pocket BAD-N-UFF No dog in the world can resist these! Not even really smart ones who can talk! Scene shifts to ground floor of castle Sure enough Peabody s ears perk up and he starts sniffing the air He takes off like a rocket up the stairs He dashes through Natasha & Canadia s room and zooms up another flight of stairs When he gets to the top of the stairs he crashes right through the wall into the lab ROCKY Hokey smokes!! BULLWINKLE Jumpin G Horse Fat!! Peabody bounds over to Bad-N-Uff and snatches the dog bone out of his hand PEABODY (looking around) Rocky! ROCKY Dr Peabody! BULLWINKLE Rocky! ROCKY Bullwinkle! BAD-N-UFF Dudley! DUDLEY Oh my! BAD-N-UFF (to Dudley angry) Listen! I brought you down from the Great White North and I can send you back just as easily! Suddenly Natasha enters through the hole in the wall and sounds a gong NATASHA Darling! Dinner is prepared! BULLWINKLE Oh goody! I always eat dinner in the middle of the night! What are we having BAD-N-UFF Beef-flavored gummi worms BULLWINKLE Mmmm-mmmmm Sounds delicious! *** Scene changes to dining room Bad-N-Uff Rocky Bullwinle Dudley Canadia and Dr Peabody are sitting around a long table Whip-Lash and Natasha half-heartedly plop some so-called beef-flavored gummi worms on each plate NARRATOR Food has always played a vital role in life s rituals -- the breaking of bread the last meal of the condemned man the attack of the last meal the revenge of the breaking of bread the son of the attack of the condemned bread the ALL Aw knock it off!! PEABODY I came here to find my boy Sherman! CANADIA Ya mean Shermie ! BULLWINKLE I didn t know you had a son PEABODY He was sort of adopted His real name is Sherman I bought him at a flea market for $28 65 BAD-N-UFF That s the biggest scam yet! PEABODY Well a few weeks ago he up and disappeared I followed the tracks of his tricycle to this castle So Bad-N-Uff what do you know about Sherman BAD-N-UFF That s a rather juicy subject More gummi worms anyone Everyone turns green and stops eating CANADIA I think I m going to be sick! She dashes out of the room Off-screen we can hear her throw up PEABODY I knew he was in with a bad crowd Intergalactic used car salesmen! ROCKY & BULLWINKLE Gosh Dr Peabody!! BAD-N-UFF Go on Dr Peabody Or should I say Dr Von Peabody BULLWINKLE Just what exactly are you imp -- imp -- Whaddya mean by that PEABODY I believe Dr Bad-N-Uff is implying that I am of the Germanic persuasion Funny my boy Shermie used to say the same thing Let me tell you about him Slow stately music starts PEABODY (sings) From the day he was sold He was -- hopeless He could catch cold Even in July Eating junk food NARRATOR He was nasty selfish and rude! PEABODY He d have fun just killing flies Music becomes much more uptempo and rockin ! Every day of the week He s a hassle Dressed up like a geek With a voice to match Tripping on glue NARRATOR He had nothing better to do! PEABODY He makes Urkel look like a catch! ALL When Sherman said he thought you were a German Well you knew he was a spoiled brat But when he ate his ice cream In the wayback machine BAD-N-UFF What a jerk! ROCKY So much work! PEABODY I heard that! The scene shifts to the bathroom where Canadia is slumped over the toilet CANADIA Didn t really hate him! I can t believe I ate him! I said Hey Shrimp don t bug me Go play with some machinery! Now he s finger food For Whip-Lash and the rest Return to dining room PEABODY He was quite badly drawn By cartoonists That s why he warned me In this note which reads ALL Read it now! Read it now! SHERMIE S VOICE My head is too big My body s skinny as a twig My poor legs look just like two bamboo reeds ALL When Sherman said he thought you were a German Well you knew he was a spoiled brat But when he ate his ice cream In the wayback machine BAD-N-UFF What a jerk! ROCKY So much work! PEABODY I heard that! ALL When Sherman said he thought you were a German Well you knew he was a spoiled brat But when he ate his ice cream In the wayback machine Music slows down dramatically BAD-N-UFF What a jerk! BACKGROUND SINGERS Woah woah woah ROCKY So much work! BACKGROUND SINGERS Hey hey hey! PEABODY I heard that! ALL Shermie! Music fades out PEABODY You really must give me the recipe for these gummi worms They re simply divine! BAD-N-UFF Well you use a dash of pepper a hint of garlic and a whole lotta Bad-N-Uff pulls away tablecloth and reveals Shermie s remains in coffin beneath table BAD-N-UFF Your boy Shermie! Rocky screams and flies out of the dining room Music starts Bad-N-Uff starts to chase Rocky through the castle Bullwinkle and Dr Peabody follow them Natasha laughs WHIP-LASH (to Natasha) Ahhh get stuffed! BAD-N-UFF (sings) Too bad I run Just like a girl You d better slow down Little squirrel I thought that meal Would make you hurl You d better slow down Little squirrel I need your brain It s not hard to explain With it Dudley d Be so studly Not just some old mountie peabrain Don t be wimpy! Just face it like John Wayne You see I m dressed Like Milton Berle You d better slow down Little squirrel Rocky Bad-N-Uff Bullwinkle and Peabody have all arrived in the lab BAD-N-UFF No reprieve now You can t leave now Dr Peabody Rocky and Bullwinkle find they are stuck to the floor ROCKY My feet! I can t move my feet! PEABODY My paws! I can t move my paws! BULLWINKLE It s as if the floor s all sticky! BAD-N-UFF It is! I spilled a Coca-Cola on it and didn t clean it up! You d better say your prayers you meddling morons! ROCKY We re done for! BAD-N-UFF No kidding! You re a smart one! Your mental powers are quite nice! ROCKY Thanks! In the background we see Whip-Lash Natasha and Dudley enter the lab PEABODY Unless I ve missed my guess you plan to turn us into stone with that lever over there that s marked For stopping mooses squirrels and dogs in their tracks BAD-N-UFF Not quite! I m going to turn you into liver pate! ROCKY BULLWINKLE & PEABODY Liver pate ! BAD-N-UFF Sure! If things don t work out I ll at least get a snack out of the deal BULLWINKLE So what are you going to do to us BAD-N-UFF I ve got something terribly violent and brutal planned for you ROCKY Ya mean you re gonna make us play hockey BAD-N-UFF (sings) Hockey Shmockey Rocky! You d better slow down Little squirrel You d better slow down For this hoedown You d beter slow down NARRATOR And then he yelled out! ROCKY Hokey smokes! This song ends and a new one begins BAD-N-UFF Don t get scared and quiver When you re changed to liver BULLWINKLE You re a knot-head But you d better not turn us to liver You sliver! Bad-N-Uff signals to Natasha She pulls a switch and Bullwinkle is transformed into a lifesize liver pate statue PEABODY You re a knot-head But you d better not turn us to liver You sliver! Bad-N-Uff signals to Natasha She pulls a switch and Peabody is transformed into a lifesize liver pate statue ROCKY Youre a knot-head Frank signals Rocky is a statue Canadia storms in very upset CANADIA I can t believe you! First you dump me for Shermie! Then you spit him out like a wad of gum for Dudley! And what s more you always leave the toilet seat up in the bathroom! Plus you always leave your dirty smelly old clothes lying around on the floor And Bad-N-Uff singals to Natasha Canadia is now a statue Bad-N-Uff spies Dudley leaning against the railing BAD-N-UFF Oh well While I m at it Frank signals You know the rest by now BAD-N-UFF It s not easy being a mad scientist these days! In the old days you d tell your lackeys to jump and they d say How high Now everyone s got an opinion NATASHA Speaking of opinions I ve got one of my own BAD-N-UFF (to audience) See what I mean NATASHA I m bored with this bum burg! When will we return to Pottsylvania BAD-N-UFF As soon as the next musical number is over Now let s get ready for the big Floorwax Show! WHIP-LASH & NATASHA Aye aye Sir Bad-N-Uff leaves the lab in the elevator As Whip-Lash and Natasha dance around the statues we hear the off-screen Narrator yet again NARRATOR And so in plot twist only cartoon writers could ve dreamed up Bullwinkle and Rocky were reunited with their cartoon comrade Dr Peabody But what of the floorwax show Bad-N-Uff had spoken of To tell you the truth I haven t the foggiest! Let s see what happens shall we Scene changes to the ballroom Above the stage we see a banner which reads Brite Floorwax Presents The Floorwax Show! Backstage Bad-N-Uff is putting the finishing touches on the statues he has dressed up like 1950 s sitcom housewives -- tasteful dresses pearls high heels bouffant hair SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION The following scene is a paid advertisement for Brite Floorwax 20th Century Flops is not responsible for the claims made during this scene Music begins Curtains open Bad-N-Uff pulls switch Canadia comes to life and sings CANADIA Boy my floor s really lookin great It looks as shiny as a china plate Waxy build-up s what I really hate But with Brite I can avoid that fate It s the finest wax that you can buy So come on give it a try Brite shines your floor and keeps it Safe from wax build-up and grime Dudley comes to life DUDLEY Brite does other good stuff too Bonds and seals just like Krazy Glue And with beef it makes a tasty stew Brite ll do what you want it to It s a multi-purpose cleaning aid It s like having a live-in maid Brite shines your floor and keeps it Safe from wax build-up and grime Bullwinkle comes to life BULLWINKLE Brite s the greatest With potatoes Don t be a sadist Buy some more Brite please It s so handy And so dandy Tastes like candy Mom And kills Rover s fleas Rocky comes to life ROCKY Oh! It s on sale Mom! Check the mail Mom! For coupons by the pail Mom! And samples by the score! The price is pretty low too Brite substitutes for tofu Brite will satisfy your whole crew It s floorwax and much more! Rear curtains rise Bad-N-Uff is standing in front of a huge replica of a Brite floorwax bottle BAD-N-UFF You can say goodbye -- to food stains That blemish your beautiful floor Cause this wax does the trick It won t mar it won t stick It s been tested in our lab -- months before Bad-N-Uff kicks a lever which opens a staircase He proceeds down the stairs BAD-N-UFF Don t even worry -- bout yellowy buildup Brite won t tarnish -- your precious wood floors Wood or linoleum This wax will do wonders It s the top-selling floorwax In Melbourne -- Down Under Just ask Paul Hogan -- Woah-oh Bad-N-Uff leaps into a swimming pool From an overhead shot we see the Brite logo painted on the floor of the pool BAD-N-UFF Just try Brite buy Brite Just try Brite buy Brite Just try Brite buy Brite Just try Brite buy Brite ALL Just try Brite buy Brite Just try Brite buy Brite Just try Brite buy Brite Just try Brite buy Brite Bullwinkle Rocky Dudley and Canadia join Bad-N-Uff in the pool ALL Just try Brite buy Brite Just try Brite buy Brite Just try Brite buy Brite Just try Brite buy Brite The five of them continue singing this odd mantra A switch falls backstage bringing Dr Peabody back to life PEABODY Ach! They ve gotta stop -- Selling that wax Before the FCC -- Shuts us down! This ad must be stopped! Let s resume -- the plot! Or else the crowd -- may well leave And this film will get bad -- word of mouth! Back to the pool They re still singing ALL Just try Brite buy Brite BULLWINKLE Brite s the greatest With potatoes ROCKY Goes down smoother than beer! Bad-N-Uff rises out of the pool on Dudley s shoulders BAD-N-UFF Brite Brite Brite B-B-Brite Brite Brite Brite Brite Brite Brite Bri-i-ite It s a floorwax but it s so much more Cleans your dishes and your bedroom door So the next time that you re at the store Purchase Brite for all your household chores And if you re ever down and have the blues Guzzle Brite instead of drink boo-oo-ooze Brite shines your floor and keeps it safe From wax build-up and grime Bad-N-Uff is now on stage and beckons others to join him in dance ALL It s a floorwax but it s so much more Cleans your dishes and your bedroom door So the next time that you re at the store Purchase Brite for all your household chores And if you re ever down and have the blues Guzzle Brite instead of drink boo-oo-ooze Brite shines your floor and keeps it safe From wax build-up and grime They dance across the stage Even Peabody joins in ALL It s a floorwax but it s so much more Cleans your dishes and your bedroom door So the next time that you re at the store Purchase Brite for all your household chores And if you re ever down and have the blues Guzzle Brite instead of drink boo-oo-ooze Brite shines your floor and keeps it safe From wax build-up and grime SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION This has been a paid advertisement for Brite floorwax Once again 20th Century Flops would like to distance itself from the views expressed in the previous scene Suddenly Whip-Lash and Natasha burst into the ballroom Whip-Lash removes his disguise to reveal that he is really (are you ready for this ) Fearless Leader a tall stern-looking man in a military uniform He has a scar on his face carries a walking stick and wears a monocle FEARLESS LEADER (sings) Bad-N-Uff yer Gonna suffer You re stupid fat and lazy Your salary s obscene I m the Fearless Leader You now are my gopher Let s go back to Pottsylvania Prepare a submarine Music fades out Bad-N-Uff falls to his knees and grovels BAD-N-UFF Fearless Leader! It was really you all along! I had no idea! I m so sorry! Let me explain! Bad-N-Uff whispers to Canadia and Dudley Canadia goes to followspot Dudley turns on switches Soft music begins BAD-N-UFF (sings) Boy I ve really been a shmuck ALL What a rat! BAD-N-UFF Now I ve run out of luck! ALL You got that! BAD-N-UFF I just tried to make -- some bucks ALL Wallet s fat! BAD-N-UFF Well -- at least I scammed -- these clu-u-u-u-ucks Bad-N-Uff indicates Rocky and Bullwinkle BAD-N-UFF You ve seen through -- all -- my lies And that look -- in your eyes Makes me realize I m up the creek BAD-N-UFF & ALL I m up the creek BAD-N-UFF (really getting pathetic) Scum like me Should have to pay ALL And be caned! BAD-N-UFF Like that hoodlum Michael Fay ALL And restained! BAD-N-UFF Gee -- I ve been a -- dork today! ALL So lamebrained! BAD-N-UFF I wish I was Far away-ay-ay You ve seen through -- all -- my lies And that look -- in your eyes Makes me realize I m up the creek BAD-N-UFF & ALL I m up the creek I m up the creek I m -- up the -- cree-ee-eek Music ends Fearless Leader still looks pretty upset NATASHA How nice and slushy! FEARLESS LEADER And also quite accurate You see you really *are* up the creek! You ninny! You were supposed to be conquering the world in the name of Pottsylvania! But how do you spend your time Staging elaborate musical numbers!!! Now stop yapping and let s blow this popsicle stand! BAD-N-UFF I was just er I mean Fearless Leader starts hitting Bad-N-Uff on the head with his walking stick FEARLESS LEADER I thought I told you to be quiet you incompetent fool! BAD-N-UFF (between beatings) Please stop! Ouch! That hurts Ouch! *** Meanwhile Rocky Bullwinkle and Peabody are no longer Bad-N-Uff s control They look around suspiciously at the ballroom BULLWINKLE Gee Rocky how d we get here And what am I doing in this dress I don t even wear dresses! Especially frumpy little numbers like this! ROCKY I don t know Bullwinkle but it looks like Bad-N-Uff s got his hands full at the moment so now would be the perfect time to get out of here *** Rocky Bullwinkle and Peabody are now travelling down the road outside the big scary castle The sun is coming up on the horizon BULLWINKLE Gee Rock does this mean we don t get to use the phone ROCKY I guess so We ll have to find help somewhere else I think there s a TV station down the road It s called DTV or something Maybe they can help us BULLWINKLE Ya mean *the* DTV Wow! I watch that channel every day! Say do you think I could get Bert Schnick s autograph ROCKY Bullwinkle I think you watch too much TV PEABODY I wholeheartedly agree! The threesome walks off into the distance Mournful music plays softly in the background NARRATOR And travelling Round this big old world A canine -- with a moose and squirrel All screwed up -- and dressed like girls With bouffants BACKGROUND SINGERS Bou-ou-ffants Cast and credits roll during closing reprise VOICE (sings) Animated -- cartoon features So long fellas! Nice to meet ya Bad-N-Uff sure -- got what s due him Hey Fearless Leader -- sock it to him! Woah oh oh ohhhhh On those great old -- early morning -- cartoon shows Remember those Woah ohhhh All those great old -- early morning -- cartoon shows THE END