MONTY PYTHON S THE MEANING OF LIFE written by and starring GRAHAM CHAPMAN * JOHN CLEESE TERRY GILLIAM * TERRY JONES ERIC IDLE * MICHAEL PALIN directed by TERRY JONES animation & special sequences by TERRY GILLIAM produced by JOHN GOLDSTONE First Fish Morning Second Fish Morning Third Fish Morning Fourth Fish Morning Third Fish Morning First Fish Morning Second Fish Morning Fourth Fish What s new First Fish Not much Fifth and Sixth Fish Morning The Others Morning morning morning First Fish Frank was just asking what s new Fifth Fish Was he First Fish Yeah Uh huh Third Fish Hey look Howard s being eaten Second Fish Is he They move forward to watch a waiter serving a large grilled fish to a large man Second Fish Makes you think doesn t it Fourth Fish I mean what s it all about Fifth Fish Beats me Why are we here what is life all about Is God really real or is there some doubt Well tonight we re going to sort it all out For tonight it s the Meaning of Life What s the point of all these hoax Is it the chicken and egg time are we all just yolks Or perhaps we re just one of God s little jokes Well ca c est the Meaning of Life Is life just a game where we make up the rules While we re searching for something to say Or are we just simple spiralling coils Of self-replicating DNA What is life What is our fate Is there Heaven and Hell Do we reincarnate Is mankind evolving or is it too late Well tonight here s the Meaning of Life For millions this life is a sad vale of tears Sitting round with really nothing to say While scientists say we re just simply spiralling coils Of self-replicating DNA So just why why are we here And just what what what what do we fear Well ce soir for a change it will all be made clear For this is the Meaning of Life - c est le sens de la vie - This is the Meaning of Life THE MEANING OF LIFE ------------------- PART I THE MIRACLE OF BIRTH Hospital corridor A mother-to-be is being wheeled very fast down the corridor on a trolley which crashes through several sets of doors A nurse with her slips into a consultant s room where one doctor is throwing beer mats through the crooked arm of another First Doctor One thousand and eight! Nurse Mrs Moore s contractions are more frequent doctor First Doctor Good Take her into the foetus-frightening room Nurse Right They pass through the delivery room First Doctor Bit bare in here today isn t it Second Doctor Yeees First Doctor More apparatus please nurse Nurse Yes doctor First Doctor Yes the EEG the BP monitor and the AVV please Second Doctor And get the machine that goes Ping ! First Doctor And get the most expensive machines in case the administrator comes Apparatus starts pouring into the room The mother is lost behind various bits of equipment First Doctor That s better that s much better Second Doctor Yeeees More like it First Doctor Still something missing though They think hard for a few moments First and Second Doctors Patient Second Doctor Where s the patient First Doctor Anyone seen the patient Second Doctor Patient! Nurse Ah here she is First Doctor Bring her round Second Doctor Mind the machine! First Doctor Come along! Second Doctor Jump up there Hup! First Doctor Hallo! Now don t you worry Second Doctor We ll soon have you cured First Doctor Leave it all to us you ll never know what hit you First and Second Doctors Goodbye goodbye! Drips up! Injections Second Doctor Can I put the tube in the baby s head First Doctor Only if I can do the epesiotomy Second Doctor Okay First Doctor Now legs up The legs are put in the stirrups while the Doctors open the doors opposite First and Second Doctors Come on Come on all of you That s it jolly good Come on Come on Spread round there A small horde enters largely medical but with two Japanese with cameras and video equipment The first doctor bumps into a man First Doctor Who are you Man I m the husband First Doctor I m sorry only people involved are allowed in here The husband leaves Mrs Moore What do I do Second Doctor Yes Mrs Moore What s that for She points to a machine First Doctor That s the machine that goes Ping ! It goes Ping First Doctor You see It means that your baby is still alive Second Doctor And that s the most expensive machine in the whole hospital First Doctor Yes it cost over three quarters of a million pounds Second Doctor Aren t you lucky! Nurse The administrator s here doctor First Doctor Switch everything on! They do so Everything flashes and beeps and thuds Enter the administrator Administrator Morning gentlemen First and Second Doctors Morning Mr Pycroft Administrator Very impressive What are you doing this morning First Doctor It s a birth Administrator And what sort of thing is that Second Doctor Well that s when we take a new baby out of a lady s tummy Administrator Wonderful what we can do nowadays Ah! I see you have the machine that goes Ping This is my favourite You see we lease this back to the company we sold it to That way it comes under the monthly current budget and not the capital account They all applaud Thank you thank you We try to do our best Well do carry on He leaves Nurse Oh the vulva s dilating doctor First Doctor Yes there s the head Yes four centimetres five six centimetres First and Second Doctors Lights! Amplify the ping machine Masks up! Suction! Eyes down for a full house! Here it comes! The baby arrives First Doctor And frighten it! They grab the baby hold it upside down slap it poke tubes up its nose hose it with cold water Then the baby is placed on a wooden chopping block and the umbilicus severed with a chopper And the rough towels! It is dried with rough towels Show it to the mother It is shown to the mother First and Second Doctors That s enough! Right Sedate her number the child Measure it blood type it and *isolate* it Nurse OK show s over Mrs Moore Is it a boy or a girl First Doctor Now I think it s a little early to start imposing roles on it don t you Now a world of advice You may find that you suffer for some time a totally irrational feeling of depression PND is what we doctors call it So it s lots of happy pills for you and you can find out all about the birth when you get home It s available on Betamax VHS and Super 8 THE MEANING OF LIFE ------------------- THE MIRACLE OF BIRTH PART 2 THE THIRD WORLD Yorkshire A northern street Dad is marching home We see his house A stork flies above it and drops a baby down the chimney Dad Oh bloody hell Inside the house A pregnant woman is at the sink With a cry a new-born baby complete with umbilical cord drops from between her legs onto the floor Mother Get that would you Deirdre Girl All right Mum The girl takes the baby Mum carries on Dad comes up to the door and pushes it open sadly Inside there are at least forty children of various ages packed into the living room Mum with tray Whose teatime is it Scores of Voices Me mum Mum Vincent Tessa Valerie Janine Martha Andrew Thomas Walter Pat Linda Michael Evadne Alice Dominique and Sasha it s your bedtime! Children all together Oh Mum! Mum Don t argue Laura Alfred Nigel Annie Simon Amanda Dad Wait They all listen I ve got something to tell the whole family All stop A buzz of excitement Mum to her nearest son Quick go and get the others in Gordon! Gordon goes out Another twenty or so children enter the room They squash in at the back as best they can Dad The mill s closed There s no more work we re destitute Lots of cries of Oh no! Cripes Heck from around the room I ve got no option but to sell you all for scientific experiments The children protest with heart-rending pleas No no that s the way it is my loves Blame the Catholic church for not letting me wear one of those little rubber things Oh they ve done some wonderful things in their time they preserved the might and majesty even the mystery of the Church of Rome the sanctity of the sacrament and the indivisible oneness of the Trinity but if they d let me wear one of the little rubber things on the end of my cock we wouldn t be in the mess we are now Little Boy Couldn t Mummy have worn some sort of pessary Dad Not if we re going to remain members of the fastest growing religion in the world my boy You see we believe well let me put it like this sings There are Jews in the world There are Buddhists There are Hindus and Mormons and then There are those that follow Mohammed But I ve never been one of them I m a Roman Catholic And have been since before I was born And the one thing they say about Catholics Is they ll take you as soon as you re warm You don t have to be a six-footer You don t have to have a great brain You don t have to have any clothes on - You re a Catholic the minute Dad came Because Every sperm is sacred Every sperm is great If a sperm is wasted God gets quite irate Children Every sperm is sacred Every sperm is great If a sperm is wasted God gets quite irate Child solo Let the heathen spill theirs On the dusty ground God shall make them pay for Each sperm that can t be found Children Every sperm is wanted Every sperm is good Every sperm is needed In your neighbourhood Mum solo Hindu Taoist Mormon Spill theirs just anywhere But God loves those who treat their Semen with more care Men neighbours peering out of toilets Every sperm is sacred Every sperm is great Women neighbours on wall If a sperm is wasted Children God get quite irate Priest in church Every sperm is sacred Bride and Groom Every sperm is good Nannies Every sperm is needed Cardinals in prams In your neighbourhood! Children Every sperm is useful Every sperm is fine Funeral Cortege God needs everybody s First Mourner Mine! Lady Mourner And mine! Corpse And mine! Nun solo Though the pagans spill theirs O er mountain hill and plain Various artefacts in a Roman Catholic Souvenir Shop God shall strike them down for Each sperm that s spilt in vain Everybody Every sperm is sacred Every sperm is good Every sperm is needed In your neighbourhood Even more than everybody including two fire-eaters a juggler a clown at a piano and a stilt-walker riding a bicycle Every sperm is sacred Every sperm is great If a sperm is wasted God gets quite irate Everybody cheers (including the fire-eaters the juggler the clown at the piano and the stilt-walker riding the bicycle) Fireworks go off a Chinese dragon is brought on and flags of all nations are unfurled overhead Back inside Dad So you see my problem little ones I can t keep you here any longer Shout from the back Speak up! Dad raising his voice I can t keep you here any longer God has blessed us so much that I can t afford to feed you anymore Boy Couldn t you have your balls cut off Dad It s not as simple as that Nigel God knows all He would see through such a cheap trick What we do to ourselves we do to Him Voice You could have them pulled off in an accident Other voices suggest ways his balls can be removed Dad No no children I know you re trying to help but believe me my mind s made up I ve given this long and careful thought And it s medical experiments for the lot of you The children emerge singing a melancholy reprise of Every Sperm is Sacred They are being watched from another Northern house Mr Blackitt Look at them bloody Catholics Filling the bloody world up with bloody people they can t afford to bloody feed Mrs Blackitt What are we dear Mr Blackitt Protestant and fiercely proud of it Mrs Blackitt Why do they have so many children Mr Blackitt Because every time they have sexual intercourse they have to have a baby Mrs Blackitt But it s the same with us Harry Mr Blackitt What d you mean Mrs Blackitt Well I mean we ve got two children and we ve had sexual intercourse twice Mr Blackitt That s not the point We *could* have it any time we wanted Mrs Blackitt Really Mr Blackitt Oh yes And what s more because we don t believe in all that Papist claptrap we can take precautions Mrs Blackitt What you mean lock the door Mr Blackitt No no I mean because we are members of the Protestant Reformed Church which successfully challenged the autocratic power of the Papacy in the mid-sixteenth century we can wear little rubber devices to prevent issue Mrs Blackitt What do you mean Mr Blackitt I could if I wanted have sexual intercourse with you Mrs Blackitt Oh yes Harry Mr Blackitt And by wearing a rubber sheath over my old feller I could ensure that when I came off you would not be impregnated Mrs Blackitt Ooh! Mr Blackitt That s what being a Protestant s all about That s why it s the church for me That s why it s the church for anyone who respects the individual and the individual s right to decide for him or herself When Martin Luther nailed his protest up to the church door in 1517 he may not have realised the full significance of what he was doing But four hundred years later thanks to him my dear I can wear whatever I want on my John Thomas And Protestantism doesn t stop at the simple condom Oh no! I can wear French Ticklers if I want Mrs Blackitt You what Mr Blackitt French Ticklers Black Mambos Crocodile Ribs Sheaths that are designed not only to protect but also to enhance the stimulation of sexual congress Mrs Blackitt Have you got one Mr Blackitt Have I got one Well no But I can go down the road any time I want and walk into Harry s and hold my head up high and say in a loud steady voice Harry I want you to sell me a *condom* In fact today I think I ll have a French Tickler for I am a Protestant Mrs Blackitt Well why don t you Mr Blackitt But they He points at the stream of children still pouring past the house they cannot Because their church never made the great leap out of the Middle Ages and the domination of alien episcopal supremacy! the Adventures of MARTIN LUTHER in Reform-O-Scope presented by The Protestant Film Marketing Board in association with Sol C Ziegler Andy Rotbeiner and the people of Beirut GERMANY in the grip of the 16th century An exciting and controversial examination of the Protestant reformer whose re-assessment of the role of the individual in Christian belief shook the foundations of a post-feudal Germany in the grip of the sixteenth century It was a day much like any other in the quiet little town of Wittenberg Mamie Meyer was preparing fat for the evening meal when the full force of the Reformation struck A woman and two rather plain daughters are sitting outside their house with bowls A man arrives breathless Hymie Mamie! Martin Luther s out! Consternation amongst the womenfolk Mamie Oh! Martin Luther! She hurries her daughters inside Did you get the suet Hymie Hymie Oy vay - the suet I clean forgot! Mamie The suet you forgot! Hymie The lard the fish oil the butter fat the dripping the wool grease I remember Hands over the shopping but the suet oy vay Mamie pointing to his head So what d keep up there Adipose tissue Hymie Look out! Here he comes Mamie goes inside shouting Mamie Girls girls! Your father forgot the suet! Groans from the girls inside Martin Luther is at the gate His ears prick up at the female voices His eyes flick from side to side Hymie Hallo Martin Martin Luther Where s the john Hymie We don t have one Martin Luther No john What d you do Hymie We eat fat Martin Luther And that stops you going to the john Hymie It s a theory Martin Luther Yeah but does it work Hymie We ain t got no john Martin Luther Yeah but d you need to go Hymie You know how it is with theories - some days it s fine maybe one two three days and then just when it looks like you re ready for to publish Expression of resignation and disgust Whoosh! You need a new kitchen floor Martin Luther Oh you should be so lucky! A girl s laugh from inside Martin Luther looks up - alert Martin Luther D you need any cleaning inside Hymie Oh no today it s all going fine Martin Luther Oh well how s about showing me the cutlery Hymie Martin - I got a woman and children in there Martin Luther So there s no problem I just look at a few spoons and Martin Luther starts to go in Hymie stops him Hymie I got two girls in there Martin you know what I mean Martin Luther Honest! I don t look at your girls! I don t even think about them! There! I put them out of my mind! Their arms their necks their little legs and bosoms I *wipe* from my mind Hymie You just want to see spoons Martin Luther My life! That s what I want to see Hymie I know I m going to regret this Martin Luther No listen! Cutlery is really my thing now Girls with round breasts is over for me Hymie What am I doing I know what s going to happen Martin Luther I ll crouch behind you He goes in Martin Luther follows crouching Hymie Mamie! Guess who s come to see us! Mamie Hymie! Are you out of your mind already You know how old your daughters are Hymie He only wants to see the spoons Mamie What you have to bring him into my house for Hymie Mamie he doesn t even think about girls any more Martin Luther Mrs Meyer - as far as girls is concerned I shot my wad! Mamie You shot your *wad* Martin Luther Def - in - ately Pause Mamie Which spoons you wanna view Martin Luther Eh shrugs I guess the soup spoons Mamie suddenly interested Ah! Now they re good spoons Martin Luther You got them arranged Mamie No but I could arrange them for you Martin Luther Don t put yourself to no bother Mrs Meyer Mamie It s no bother I want for you to see those spoons like I would want to see them myself Martin Luther Oh you re too kind Mrs Meyer You could get your daughters to show me them Mamie Hymie get him out of here Hymie Mamie he only said for Myrtle and Audrey to show him the *spoons* Mamie Like you think I run some kind of bordello here Martin Luther Mrs Meyer! How can you say such a thing Mamie Listen Martin Luther! I know what you want to do with my girls! Martin Luther Show me the spoons Mamie You want for them to pull up their shirts and then lean over the chair with their legs apart Hymie Mamie don t get excited Mamie I m getting excited It s him that s getting excited! Martin Luther My mind is on the spoons Mamie But you can t stop thinking of those little girls over the chairs Luther is struggling with himself Hymie I got to go to the bathroom Mamie grabs him Hymie! I m a married woman! Hymie So just show him the spoons Hymie goes Mamie And you don t want to put nothing up me Martin Luther Mrs Meyer - you read my mind Mamie Oh They go out discreetly But despite the efforts of Protestants to promote the idea of sex for pleasure children continued to multiply everywhere THE MEANING OF LIFE ------------------- PART II GROWTH AND LEARNING A school chapel Headmaster And spotteth twice they the camels before the third hour And so the Midianites went forth to Ram Gilead in Kadesh Bilgemath by Shor Ethra Regalion to the house of Gash-Bil-Betheul-Bazda he who brought the butter dish to Balshazar and the tent peg to the house of Rashomon and there slew they the goats yea and placed they the bits in little pots Here endeth the lesson The Headmaster closes the Bible the Chaplain rises Chaplain Let us praise God Oh Lord Congregation Oh Lord Chaplain Oooh you are so big Congregation Oooh you are so big Chaplain So absolutely huge Congregation So ab - solutely huge Chaplain Gosh we re all really impressed down here I can tell you Congregation Gosh we re all really impressed down here I can tell you Chaplain Forgive Us O Lord for this dreadful toadying Congregation And barefaced flattery Chaplain But you are so strong and well just so super Congregation Fan - tastic Headmaster Amen Now two boys have been found rubbing linseed oil into the school cormorant Now some of you may feel that the cormorant does not play an important part in the life of the school but I remind you that it was presented to us by the Corporation of the town of Sudbury to commemorate Empire Day when we try to remember the names of all those from the Sudbury area so gallantly gave their lives to keep China British So from now on the cormorant is strictly out of bounds Oh and Jenkins apparently your mother died this morning He turns to the Chaplain Chaplain The congregation rises and the Chaplain leads them in singing Chaplain and Congregation Oh Lord please don t burn us Don t grill or toast your flock Don t put us on the barbecue Or simmer us in stock Don t braise or bake or boil us Or stir-fry us in a wok Oh please don t lightly poach us Or baste us with hot fat Don t fricassee or roast us Or boil us in a vat And please don t stick thy servants Lord In a Rotissomat A classroom The boys are sitting quietly studying Boy He s coming! Pandemonium breaks out The Headmaster walks in Headmaster All right settle down settle down He puts his papers down Now before I begin the lesson will those of you who are playing in the match this afternoon move your clothes down on to the lower peg immediately after lunch before you write your letter home if you re not getting your hair cut unless you ve got a younger brother who is going out this weekend as the guest of another boy in which case collect his note before lunch put it in your letter after you ve had your hair cut and make sure he moves your clothes down onto the lower peg for you Now Wymer Sir Headmaster Yes Wymer Wymer My younger brother s going out with Dibble this weekend sir but I m not having my hair cut today sir so do I move my clothes down or Headmaster I do wish you d listen Wymer it s perfectly simple If you re not getting your hair cut you don t have to move your brother s clothes down to the lower peg you simply collect his note before lunch after you ve done your scripture prep when you ve written your letter home before rest move your own clothes on to the lower peg greet the visitors and report to Mr Viney that you ve had your chit signed Now sex sex sex sex where were we Silence from form A lot of hard thinking of the type indulged by schoolboys who know they don t know the answer Well had I got as far as the penis entering the vagina Pupils Er er no sir No we didn t sir Headmaster Well had I done foreplay Pupils Yes sir Headmaster Well as we all know about foreplay no doubt you can tell me what the purpose of foreplay is Biggs Biggs Don t know sorry sir Headmaster Carter Carter Er was it taking your clothes off sir Headmaster And after that Wymer Putting them on the lower peg sir Headmaster throws a board duster at him and hits him Headmaster The purpose of foreplay is to cause the vagina to lubricate so that the penis can penetrate more easily Watson Could we have a window open please sir Headmaster Yes Harris will you And of course to cause the man s penis to erect and har den Now did I do vaginal juices last week oh do pay attention Wadsworth I know it s Friday afternoon oh watching the football are you boy - right move over there I m warning you I may decide to set an exam this term Pupils Oh sir Headmaster So just listen now did I or did I not do vaginal juices Pupils Yes sir Headmaster Name two ways of getting them flowing Watson Watson Rubbing the clitoris sir Headmaster What s wrong with a kiss boy Hm Why not start her off with a nice kiss You don t have to go leaping straight for the clitoris like a bull at a gate Give her a kiss boy Wymer Suck the nipple sir Headmaster Good Good Good well done Wymer Duckworth Stroking the thighs sir Headmaster Yes I suppose so Another Bite the neck Headmaster Good Nibbling the ear Kneading the buttocks and so on and so forth So we have all these possibilities before we stampede towards the clitoris Watson Watson Yes sir Sorry sir Headmaster All these form of stimulation can now take place The Headmaster pulls the bed down And of course tongueing will give you the best idea of how the juices are coming along Calls Helen Now penetration and coitus that is to say intercourse up to and including orgasm Mrs Williams has entered Ah hallo dear The pupils have shuffled more or less to their feet *Do* stand up when my wife enters the room Carter Carter Oh sorry sir Sorry Mrs Williams Humphrey I hope you don t mind but I told the Garfields we *would* dine with them tonight Headmaster starting to disrobe Yes yes I suppose we must Mrs Williams taking off her clothes I said we d be there by eight Headmaster Well at least it ll give me a reason to wind up the staff meeting Mrs Williams Well I know you don t like them but I couldn t make another excuse Headmaster he s got his shirt off Well it s just that I felt - Wymer This is for your benefit Will you kindly wake up I ve no intention of going through this all again The boys are no more interested than they were in the last lesson on the Binomial Theorem though they pretend as usual Now we ll take the foreplay as read if you don t mind dear Mrs Williams No of course not Humphrey Headmaster So the man starts by entering or mounting his good lady wife in the standard way The penis is now as you will observe more or less fully erect There we are Ah that s better Now Carter Carter Yes sir Headmaster What is it Carter It s an ocarina sir Headmaster Bring it up here The man now starts making thrusting movements with his pelvic area moving the penis up and down inside the vagina so put it there boy put it there on the table while the wife maximizes her clitoral stimulation by the shaft of the penis by pushing forward thank you dear now as sexual excitement mounts what s funny Biggs Biggs Oh nothing sir Headmaster Oh do please share your little joke with the rest of us I mean obviously something frightfully funny s going on Biggs No honestly sir Headmaster Well as it s so funny I think you d better be selected to play for the boys team in the rugby match against the masters this afternoon Biggs looks horrified Oh no sir THE MEANING OF LIFE ------------------- PART III FIGHTING EACH OTHER Biggs now a soldiers-in-arms O K Blackitt Sturridge and Walters you take the buggers on the left flank Hordern Spadger and I will go for the gunpost Blackitt a Deptford Cockney Hang on you ll never make it sir Let us come with you Biggs Do as you re told man Blackitt Righto skipper He starts to go then stops Oh sir sir if we if we don t meet again sir I d just like to say it s been a real privilege fighting alongside you sir They are continually ducking as bullets fly past them and shells burst overhead Biggs Yes well I think this is hardly the time or place for a goodbye speech eh Biggs is clearly anxious to go Blackitt No me and the lads realise that but well we may never meet again sir so Biggs All right Blackitt thanks a lot Blackitt No just a mo sir! You see me and the lads had a little whip-round sir and we bought you something sir we bought you this sir He produces a handsome ormolu clock from his pack Biggs is at a loss for words He is continually ducking Biggs Well I don t know what to say It s a lovely thought thank you thank you *all* but I think we d better get to cover now He starts to go Blackitt Hang on a tick sir we got something else for you as well sir Two of the others emerge from some bushes with a grandfather clock Sorry it s another clock sir only there was a bit of a mix-up Walters thought *he* was buying the present and Spadger and I had already got the other one Biggs Well it s beautiful they re both beau - A bullet suddenly shatters the face of the grandfather clock But I think we d better get to cover now and I ll thank you properly later Biggs starts to go again but Blackitt hasn t finished Blackitt And Corporal Sturridge got this for you as well sir He didn t know about the others sir - it s Swiss He hands over a wristwatch Biggs Well now that is thoughtful Sturridge Good man A shell bursts right overhead Biggs flings himself down into the mud Blackitt And there s a card sir from all of us He produces a blood-splattered envelope Sorry about the blood sir Biggs Thank you all He pockets it and tries to go on Blackitt Squad three cheers for Captain Biggs Hip Hip - All Hooray! Blackitt Hip Hip - All Hoor An almighty burst of machine-gun fire silences most of them Blackitt is hit Biggs Blackitt! Blackitt! Blackitt hurt Ah! I ll be all right sir Oh there s just one other thing sir Spadge give him the cheque Spadger Oh yeah Biggs Oh now this is really going to far Spadger I don t seem to be able to find it sir Explosion Er it ll be in Number Four trench I ll go and get it He starts to crawl off Biggs losing his cool Oh! For Christ s sake forget it man The others all look at Biggs after this outburst as if they can t believe this ingratitude Blackitt Oh! Ah! Spadger You shouldn t have said that sir You ve hurt his feelings now Blackitt Don t mind me Spadge Toffs is all the same One minute it s all please and thank you the next they ll kick you in the teeth Walters Let s not give him the cake Biggs I don t want *any* cake Spadger Look Blackitt cooked it specially for you you bastard They all look at Blackitt rolling in the mud Sturridge Yeah he saved his rations for six weeks Biggs I m sorry I don t mean to be ungrateful Blackitt I ll be all right Shell crashes Blackitt dies Spadger Blackie! Blackie! He turns to Biggs with tears in his eyes Look at him He pulls up the supine form of Blackitt He worked on that cake like no-one else I ve ever known He props him in the mud again Some nights it was so cold we could hardly move but Blackie d de out there - slicing lemons mixing the sugar and the almonds I mean you try getting butter melted at fifteen below zero! There s love in that cake He picks up Blackitt again This man s love and this man s care and this man s - Aarggh! He gets shot Biggs runs over to them in horror Biggs Oh my Christ! Sturridge You bastard Biggs All right! All right! We will eat the cake They re right it s too good a cake not to eat get the plates and knives Walters Walters Yes sir how many plates Biggs Six A shot rings out Walters drops dead Biggs Er no better make it five Sturridge Tablecloth sir Biggs Yes get the tablecloth ! Explosion Sturridge gets shot Biggs No no no I ll get the tablecloth and you d better get the gate-leg table Hordern Hordern is shot in the leg Hordern I ll bring two sir in case one gets scrumpled Suddenly we find this has all been a film which a General now stops General Well of course warfare isn t all fun Right stop that It s all very well to laugh at the Military but when one considers the meaning of life it is a struggle between alternative viewpoints of life itself And without the ability to defend one s own viewpoint against other perhaps more aggressive ideologies then reasonableness and moderation could quite simply disappear That is why we ll always need an army and may God strike me down were it to be otherwise The Hand of god descends and vaporizes him The audience of two old ladies and two kids applauds hesitantly Outside the hut RSM Whateverhisnameis is drilling a small squad of recruits RSM Don t stand there gawping like you ve never seen the Hand of God before Now! Today we re going to do marching up and down the square That is unless any of you got anything better to do Well anyone got anything they d rather be doing than marching up and down the square Atkinson puts his hand up Yes Atkinson What would you rather be doing Atkinson Atkinson Well to be quite honest Sarge I d rather be at home with the wife and kids RSM Would you now Atkinson Yes sarge RSM Right off you go Atkinson goes Now everybody else happy with my little plan of marching up and down the square a bit Coles Sarge RSM Yes Coles I ve got a book I d quite like to read RSM Right! You go read your book then! Coles runs off Now everybody else quite content to join in with my little scheme of marching hup and down the square Wycliff Sarge RSM Yes Wycliff what is it Wycliff tentatively Well I m er learning the piano RSM with contempt Learning the piano Wycliff Yes sarge RSM And I suppose you want to go and practise eh Marching up and down the square not good enough for you eh Wycliff Well RSM Right! Off you go! Turns to the rest Now what about the rest of you Rather be at the pictures I suppose Squad Ooh yes ooh rather RSM All right off you go They go Bloody army! I don t know what it s coming to Right Sgt Major marching up and down the square Left-right-left left left left-right-left The RSM marches himself off into the distance of the barracks square Democracy and humanitarianism have always been tarde marks of the British Army and have stamped its triumph throughout history in the furthest-flung corners of the Empire But no matter where or when there was fighting to be done it has always been the calm leadership of the officer class that has made the British Army what it is The First Zulu War Natal 1879 (not Glasgow) Inside a tent Pakenham-Walsh Morning Ainsworth Ainsworth Morning Pakenham-Walsh Pakenham-Walsh Sleep well Ainsworth Not bad Bitten to shreds though Must be a hole in the bloody mosquito net Pakenham-Walsh Yes savage little blighters aren t they First Lieut Chadwick arriving Excuse me sir Ainsworth Yes Chadwick Chadwick I m afraid Perkins got rather badly bitten during the night Ainsworth Well so did we Huh Chadwick Yes but I do think the doctor ought to see him Ainsworth Well go and fetch him then Chadwick Right you are sir Ainsworth Suppose I d better go along Coming Pakenham Pakenham-Walsh Yes I suppose so Chadwick leaves Ainsworth and Pakenham-Walsh thread their leisurely way through the line of assegais Pakenham-Walsh s valet is speared by a Zulu warrior but Pakenham-Walsh valiantly saves his jacket from the mud They enter Perkins s tent Perkins is on his camp bed Ainsworth Ah! Morning Perkins Perkins Morning sir Ainsworth What s all the trouble then Perkins Bitten sir During the night Ainsworth Hm Whole leg gone eh Perkins Yes As they talk the din of battle continues outside Screams of dying men crackling of tents set on fire Ainsworth How s it feel Perkins Stings a bit Ainsworth Mmm Well it would wouldn t it That s quite a bite you ve got there you know Perkins Yes real beauty isn t it All Yes Ainsworth Any idea how it happened Perkins None at all Complete mystery to me Woke up just now one sock too many Pakenham-Walsh You must have a hell of a hole in your net Ainsworth Hm We ve sent for the doctor Perkins Ooh hardly worth it is it Ainsworth Oh yes better safe than sorry Pakenham-Walsh Yes good Lord look at this He indicates a gigantic hole in the mosquito net Ainsworth By jove that s enormous Pakenham-Walsh You don t think it ll come back do you Ainsworth For more you mean Pakenham-Walsh Yes Ainsworth You re right We d better get this stitched Pakenham-Walsh Right Ainsworth Hallo Doc Livingstone entering the tent with Chadwick Morning I came as fast as I could Is something up Ainsworth Yes during the night old Perkins had his leg bitten sort of off Livingstone Ah hah! Been in the wars have we Perkins Yes Livingstone Any headache bowels all right Well let s have a look at this one leg of yours then Looks around under sheet Yes yes yes yes yes yes well this is nothing to worry about Perkins Oh good Livingstone There s a lot of it about probably a virus keep warm plenty of rest and if you re playing football or anything try and favour the other leg Perkins Oh right ho Livingstone Be as right as rain in a couple of days Perkins Thanks for the reassurance doc Livingstone Not at all that s what I m here for Any other problems I can reassure you about Perkins No I m fine Livingstone Jolly good Well must be off Perkins So it ll just grow back then will it Livingstone Er I think I d better come clean with you about this it s um it s not a virus I m afraid You see a virus is what we doctors call very very small So small it could not possibly have made off with a whole leg What we re looking for here is I think and this is no more than an educated guess I d like to make that clear is some multi-cellular life form with stripes huge razor-sharp teeth about eleven foot long and of the genu *felis horribilis* What we doctors in fact call a tiger All in tent A tiger !! Outside everyone engaged in battle including the Zulus breaks off and shouts in horror All A tiger! The Zulus run off Pakenham-Walsh A tiger - in Africa Ainsworth Hm Pakenham-Walsh A tiger in Africa Ainsworth Ah well it s probably escaped from a zoo Pakenham-Walsh Well it doesn t sound very likely Ainsworth quietly Stumm stumm A severely-wounded Sergeant staggers into the tent Sergeant Sir sir the attack s over sir! the Zulus are retreating Ainsworth dismissively Oh jolly good He turns his back to the group around Perkins Sergeant Quite a lot of casualties though sir C Division wiped out Signals gone Thirty men killed in F Section I should think about a hundred - a hundred and fifty men altogether Ainsworth not very interested Yes yes I see yes Jolly good Sergeant I haven t got the final figures sir There s a lot of seriously wounded in the compound Ainsworth interrupting Yes well the thing is Sergeant I ve got a bit of a problem here With gravity One of the officers has lost a leg Sergeant stunned by the news Oh *no* sir! Ainsworth gravely I m afraid so Probably a tiger Sergeant In Africa Ainsworth and Pakenham-Walsh Stumm stumm Ainsworth The M O says we can stitch it back on if we find it immediately Sergeant Right sir! I ll organise a party right away sir! Ainsworth Well it s hardly time for that is it Sergeant Sergeant A search party Ainsworth Ah! *Much* better idea I ll tell you what organise one straight away Sergeant Yes sir! Outside dead British bodies (of the other ranks) are everywhere Sergeant apologetically Sorry about the mess sir We ll try and get it cleared up by the time you get back They walk through the carnage Orderlies are cheerfully attending to the equally cheery wounded and the only slightly less cheery dead A dying man covered in blood We showed em didn t we sir Ainsworth Yes He gives a thumbs up and dies Sergeant addressing a soldier who is giving water to a dying man We ve got to get a search party leave that alone Another cheery cockney with an assegai sticking out of his chest This is fun sir init all this killing bloodshed bloody good fun sir init Ainsworth abstracted Yes very good He waves and moves on A severed head Morning sir! Ainsworth Nasty wound you ve got there Potter Severed head cheerily Thank you very much sir! Ainsworth Come on private - we re making up a search party Another terrible casualty Better than staying at home eh sir! At home if you kill someone they arrest you Here they give you a gun and show you what to do sir I mean I killed fifteen of those buggers sir! Now at home they d hang me *Here* they give me a fucking medal sir! The search party for Perkins s leg is passing through thick jungle As they emerge into a clearing they suddenly see a tiger s head sticking out of some bushes Ainsworth Look! Their eyes follow along the bushes to where the tiger s tail is sticking out several yards away For a moment it looks like a very long tiger My God it s *huge*! The tiger s head rises up out of the thicket with its paws up The tiger s rear end backs out of the thicket further down Rear end Don t shoot don t shoot We re not a tiger Takes off head We were just um Ainsworth Why are you dressed as a tiger Rear end Hmmm oh why! Why why isn t it a lovely day today Ainsworth Answer the question Rear end Oh we were just er Front end Actually! We re dressed like this because oh no that s not it Rear end We did it for a lark Part of a spree High spirits you know Simple as that Front end Nothing more to it All stare Well *actually* we re on a mission for British Intellingence there s a pro-Tsarist Ashanti Chief Rear end No no Front end No no no Rear end No no we re doing it for an advertisement Front end Ah that s it forget about the Russians We re doing an advert for Tiger Brand Coffee Rear end Tiger Brand Coffee is a real treat Even tigers prefer a cup of it to real meat Pause Ainsworth Now look Rear end All right all right we are dressed as a tiger because he had an auntie who did it in 1839 and this is the fiftieth anniversary Front end No We re doing it for a bet Rear end God told us to do it Front end To tell the truth we are completely mad we are inmates of a Bengali psychiatric institution and we escaped by making this skin out of old cereal packets Perkins It doesn t matter Ainsworth What Perkins It doesn t matter why they re dressed as a tiger have they got my leg Ainsworth Good thinking Well have you Rear end Actually! Ainsworth Yes Rear end It s because we were thinking of training as taxidermists and we wanted to get a feel of it from the animal s point of view Ainsworth Be quiet Now look we re just asking you if you have got this man s leg Front end A wooden leg Ainsworth No no a proper leg Look he was fast asleep and someone or something came in and removed it Front end Without waking him up Ainsworth Yes Front end I don t believe you Rear end We found the tiger skin in a bicycle shop in Cairo and the owner wanted to take it down to Dar Es Salaam Ainsworth Shut up Now look have you or have you not got his leg Rear end Yes Front end No No no no Both No no no no no no Nope No Ainsworth Why did you say yes Front end I didn t Ainsworth I m not talking to you Rear end Er er Ainsworth Right! Search the thicket Front end Oh come on I mean do we look like the sort of chaps who d creep into a camp at night steal into someone s tent anaesthetise them tissue-type them amputate a leg and run away with it Ainsworth Search the thicket! Front end Oh *leg*! You re looking for a *leg* Actually I think there is one in there somewhere Somebody must have abandoned it here knowing you were coming after it and we stumbled across it actually and wondered what it was They ll be miles away by now and I expect we ll have to take all the blame During the last exchange a native turns and leers at the camera while the dialogue continues behind him Then he unzips his body to reveal a fully dressed white announcer in dinner jacket and bow tie underneath Zulu announcer Hallo good evening and welcome to the Middle of the Film Lady TV presenter Hallo and welcome to the Middle of the Film The moment where we take a break and invite you the audience to join us the film-makers in Find the Fish We re going to show you a scene from another film and ask you to guess where the fish is But if you think you know don t keep it to yourselves - YELL OUT - so that all the cinema can hear you So here we are with Find the Fish THE MIDDLE OF THE FILM FIND THE FISH Man I wonder where that fish has gone Woman You did love it so You looked after it like a son Man strangely And it went wherever I did go Woman Is it in the cupboard Audience Yes! No! Woman Wouldn t you like to know It was a lovely little fish Man strangely And it went wherever I did go Man in audience It s behind the sofa! An elephant joins the man and woman Woman Where can the fish be Man in audience Have you thought of the drawers in the bureau Woman It is a most elusive fish Man strangely And it went wherever I did go! Woman Oh fishy fishy fishy fish Man Fish fish fish fishy oh! Woman Oh fishy fishy fishy fish Man strangely That went wherever I did go First fish That was terrific! Second fish Great! Third fish Best bit so far Fishes Yeah! Absolutely ! Terrific! Yeah! Fantastic Really great Whistles More Pause Fifth fish They haven t said much about the Meaning of Life so far have they First fish Well it s been building up to it Second fish Has it Fifth fish yeah I expect they ll get on to it now Third fish Personally I very much doubt if they re going to say anything about the Meaning of Life at all Fourth fish Oh come on they ve got to say something Other fishes Bound to yeah yeah They swim around a bit Second fish Not much happening at the moment is there THE MEANING OF LIFE ------------------- PART IV MIDDLE AGE A hotel lobby The lift doors open Mrs Hendy is bending down in front of Mr Hendy doing something of an intimate nature to his camera lens Mr Hendy Oh that s much better Thank you honey Mrs Hendy You re welcome Mr Hendy It was sort of misty before That s fine A strange girl in a crinoline steps forward This is M Lady Joeline played by Mr Gilliam Joeline Hi! How are you Mr Hendy We re just fine Joeline So what kind of food you like to eat this evening Mr Hendy Well we sort of like pineapples Mrs Hendy Yeah anything with pineapples in is great for us Joeline Well how about the Dungeon Room Mr Hendy Oh that sounds fine Joeline Sure is It s real Hawaiian food served in an authentic medieval English dungeon atmosphere Suddenly a red hot brand sears the flesh of some poor wretch This is the restaurant Dark full of torture instruments stocks Chamber of Horrors stuff They sit down A waitress dressed in a grotesque travesty of a Beefeater s outfit comes up Waitress Hello I m Diana I m your waitress for tonight Where are you from Mr and Mrs Hendy We re from Room 259 Mr Hendy Where are you from Waitress pointing to kitchen Oh I m from the doors over there Mr Hendy Oh Mrs Hendy Great Waitress reaching across to the central serving table Iced Water Mrs Hendy Oh thank you Waitress Coffee Mr Hendy Than you *very* much Waitress Ketchup Mr Hendy Oh lovely real nice Waitress T V Mr Hendy Oh that s fine Mrs Hendy Yeah that s swell The Waitress dumps a T V down on the table Waitress Telephone Mr Hendy Er telephone Waitress You can phone any other table in the restaurant after six Mr Hendy Oh that s great Mrs Hendy Some choice Mr Hendy Yeah right Waitress O K D you want any food with your meal Mr Hendy Well what d you have Waitress Well we have things shaped like this in green or we have things shaped like that in brown Mr Hendy What d you think darling Mrs Hendy Well it *is* our anniversary Marvin Mr Hendy Yeah what the hell we ll have a couple of the things shaped like that in brown please Waitress O K fine thank you sir She writes 2 brown Number 259 and will you be having intercourse tonight Mr Hendy Er do we have to decide now Mrs Hendy Sounds a good idea honey I mean it sounds swell I mean why not Mr Hendy Yeah right could be fun Waitress takes out a condom and slaps it on the table Waitress Compliments of the Super Inn - Have a nice fuck! Mr Hendy Oh thank you Waitress You re welcome She leaves Mr Hendy reads Super Inn Skins - that s nice Suddenly a Hawaiian band comes through the door and surrounds Mr and Mrs Hendy at their table before leaving them to their own devices which are not many There is a long silence Waiter Good evening would you care for something to talk about He hands them each a menu card with a list of subjects on Mr Hendy Oh that would be wonderful Waiter Our special tonight is minorities Mr Hendy Oh that sounds interesting Mrs Hendy What s this conversation here Waiter Oh that s football you can talk about the Steelers-Bears game Saturday or you could reminisce about really great World Series - Mrs Hendy No no no Mr Hendy What s this one here Waiter That s philosophy Mrs Hendy Is that a sport Waiter No it s more of an attempt to construct a viable hypothesis to explain the Meaning of Life The fish in the tank suddenly prick up their fins Fish What s he say eh Mr Hendy Oh that sounds wonderful Would you like to talk about the Meaning of Life darling Mrs Hendy Sure why not Waiter Philosophy for two Mr Hendy Right Waiter You folks want me to start you off Mr Hendy Oh really we d appreciate that Waiter OK Well er look have you ever wondered just why you re here Mr Hendy Well we went to Miami last year and California the year before that and we ve Waiter No no I mean why *we re* here On this planet Mr Hendy guardedly N n nope Waiter Right! Have you ever *wanted* to know what it s all about Mr Hendy emphatically No! Waiter Right ho! Well see throughout history there have been certain men and women who have tried to find the solution to the mysteries of existence Mrs Hendy Great Waiter And we call these guys philosophers Mrs Hendy And that s what we re talking about! Waiter Right! Mrs Hendy That s neat! Waiter Well you look like you re getting the idea so why don t I give you these conversation cards - they ll tell you a little about philosophical method names of famous philosophers there y are Have a nice conversation! Mr Hendy Thank you! Thank you very much He leaves Mrs Hendy He s cute Mr Hendy Yeah real understanding They sit and look at the cards then rather formally and uncertainly Mrs Hendy opens the conversation Mrs Hendy Oh! I never knew that *Schopenhauer* was a *philosopher* Mr Hendy Oh yeah He s the one that begins with an S Mrs Hendy Oh Mr Hendy Um pause like Nietzsche Mrs Hendy Does Nietzsche begin with an S Mr Hendy There s an S in Nietzsche Mrs Hendy Oh wow! Yes there is Do all philosophers have an S in them Mr Hendy Yeah I think most of them do Mrs Hendy Oh! Does that mean Selina Jones is a philosopher Mr Hendy Yeah Right she could be she sings about the Meaning of Life Mrs Hendy Yeah that s right but I don t think she writes her own material Mr Hendy No Maybe Schopenhauer writes her material Mrs Hendy No Burt Bacharach writes is Mr Hendy There s no S in Burt Bacharach Mrs Hendy Or in Hal David Mr Hendy Who s Hal David Mrs Hendy He writes the lyrics Burt just writes the tunes only now he s married to Carole Bayer Sager Mr Hendy Oh Waiter this conversation isn t very good Waiter Oh I m sorry sir We *do* have one today that s not on the menu It s a sort of er speciality of the house Live Organ Transplants Mrs Hendy Live Organ Transplants What s *that* THE MEANING OF LIFE ------------------- PART V LIVE ORGAN TRANSPLANTS A photo of the Emperor Haile Selassie hangs on the wall of a suburban house Upstairs Hava Nagila is being played on a lone violin The door bell rings Mr Bloke Don t worry dear I ll get it! He opens the door Mr Bloke Yes! First Man Hello er can we have your liver Mr Bloke My what First Man Your liver it s a large glandular organ in your abdomen you know it s a reddish-brown and it s sort of - Mr Bloke Yes I know what it is but I m using it Second Man Come on sir don t muck us about They move in Mr Bloke Hey! They shut the door behind him The first man makes a grab at his wallet and finds a card in it First Man Hallo! What s this then Mr Bloke A liver donor s card First Man Need we say more Second Man No! Mr Bloke Look I can t give it to you now It says In The Event of Death First Man No-one who has ever had their liver taken out by us has survived The second man is rummaging around in a bag of clanking tools Second Man Just lie there sir it won t take a minute They throw him onto the dining room table and without any more ceremony start to cut him open A rather sever lady appears at the door Mrs Bloke Ere what s going on First man He s donating his liver madam Mr Bloke Aarrgh oh! aaargh ow! Ow! Mrs Bloke Is this because he took out one of those silly cards First Man That s right madam Mr Bloke Ow! Oooh! Oohh! Oh oh God aargh aargh Mrs Bloke Typical of him He goes down to the public library - sees a few signs up comes home all full of good intentions He gives blood he does cold research all that sort of thing Mr Bloke Aaaagh oh aaarghh! Mrs Bloke What d you do with them all anyway Second man They all go to saving lives madam Mr Bloke Aaaaargh! Oh ow! Oh oh my God! Mrs Bloke That s what *he* used to say it s all for the good of the country he used to say Mr Bloke Aaaargh! Ow! Ooh! Mrs Bloke D *you* think it s *all* for the good of the country First Man Uh Mrs Bloke D *you* think it s *all* for the good of the country First Man Well I wouldn t know about that madam we re just doing our jobs you know Mr Bloke Owwwwweeeeeeeeeh! Ow! Mrs Bloke You re not doctors then First Man Oh! Blimey no ! The second man grins and raises his eyes as he digs around in the stomach They laugh A head comes round the door It s a young man Young Man Mum Dad I m off out now I ll see you about seven Mrs Bloke Righto son look after yourself Mr Bloke Aaargh ow! Oh aaargh aargh! Mrs Bloke D you er fancy a cup of tea First Man Oh well that would be very nice yeah Thank you thank you very much madam Thank you Aside I thought she d never ask She takes him into the kitchen shuts the door She bustles about preparing the tea You do realise he has to be well dead by the terms of the card before he donates his liver Mrs Bloke Well I told him that but he never listens to me silly man First Man Only I was wondering what you was thinking of doing after that I mean will you stay on your own or is there someone else sort of on the horizon Mrs Bloke I m too old for that sort of thing I m past my prime First Man Not at all you re a very attractive woman Mrs Bloke laughs a little Well I m certainly not thinking of getting hitched up again First Man Sure Mrs Bloke Sure First Man coming a little closer Can we have your liver then Mrs Bloke No I don t want to die First Man Oh come on it s perfectly natural Only take a couple of minutes Mrs Bloke Oh I d be scared First Man All right I ll tell you what Look listen to this - A man in pink evening dress emerges from the fridge Man in Pink Evening Dress Whenever life gets you down Mrs Brown And things seem hard or tough And people are stupid obnoxious or daft And you feel that you ve had quite enough As he starts to sing the wall of the kitchen disintegrates to reveal a magnificent night sky The vocalist in pink escorts Mrs Bloke up into the stars Just remember that you re standing on a planet that s evolving And revolving at 900 miles an hour That s orbiting at 19 miles a second so it s reckoned A sun that is the source of all our power The sun and you and me and all the stars that we can see Are moving at a million miles a day In an outer spiral arm at 40 000 miles an hour Of the galaxy we call the Milky Way Our galaxy itself contains 100 billion stars It s 100 000 light years side to side It bulges in the middle 16 000 light years thick But out by us its just 3 000 light years wide We re 30 000 light years from galactic central point We go round every 200 million years And our galaxy is only one of millions of billions In this amazing and expanding Universe The Universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding In all of the directions it can whizz As fast as it can go at the speed of light you know 12 million miles a minute and that s the fastest speed there is So remember when you re feeling very small and insecure How amazingly unlikely is your birth And pray that there s intelligent life somewhere up in space Because there bugger all down here on earth The vocalist in pink climbs back into the fridge and the door slams to Mrs Bloke Makes you feel so sort of insignificant doesn t it First Man Yeah yeah Can we have your liver then Mrs Bloke Yeah All right you talked me into it First Man Eric! A lettering artist is just finishing painting the words Liver Donors Inc onto a wall plaque enumerating all the subsidiaries of the Very Big Corporation of America Chairman of the Very Big Corporation of America which brings us once again to the urgent realisation of just how much there is still left to own Item 6 on the Agenda the Meaning of Life Now Harry you ve had some thoughts on this Harry That s right yeah I ve had a team working on this over the past few weeks and what we ve come up with can be reduced to two fundamental concepts One people are not wearing enough hats Two matter is energy in the Universe there are many energy fields which we cannot normally perceive Some energies have a spiritual source which act upon a person s soul However this soul does not exist *ab inito* as orthodox Christianity teaches it has to be brought into existence by a process of guided self-observation However this is rarely achieved owing to man s unique ability to be distracted from spiritual matters by everyday trivia Pause Max What was that about hats again Harry Er people aren t wearing enough Chairman Is this true Edmund who is sitting next to Harry Certainly Hat sales have increased but not *pari passu as our research - Bert When you say enough enough for what purpose Gunther Can I ask with reference to your second point when you say souls don t develop because people become distracted has anyone noticed that building there before They all turn towards the window to see a building approaching or sliding into position outside All Gulp! What Good Lord! THE CRIMSON PERMANENT ASSURANCE A tale of piracy on the high seas of finance London England In the bleak days of 1983 as England languished in the doldrums of a ruinous monetarist policy the good and loyal men of the Permanent Assurance Company - a once-proud family firm recently fallen an hard times - strained under the yoke of their oppressive new corporate management Pushed beyond the bounds of decent and reasonable victimisation - the aged retainers take their destiny in their own hands and MUTINY! And so - the Crimson Permanent Assurance was launched upon the high seas of international finance! There it lay the prize they sought - the richest jewel in the crown of the IMF - a financial district swollen with multi- nationals conglomerates and fat bloated merchant banks Hidden behind the faceless towering canyons of glass the world of high finance sat smug and self-satisfied as their future in the shape of their past slipped silently through the streets - returning to wreak a terrible revenge Adopting adapting and improving traditional business practices the Permanent Assurance puts into motion an audacious and totally unsuspected Take Over Bid And so heartened by their initial success the desperate and reasonably violent men of the Permanent Assurance battled on until as the sun set slowly in the west the outstanding return on their bold business venture became apparent the once proud financial giants lay in ruins - their assets stripped - their policies in tatters They sing It s fun charter an accountant And sail the wide accountan-cy To find explore the funds offshore And skirt the shoals of bankruptcy It can be manly in insurance We ll up your premium semi-annually It s all tax-deductible We re fairly incorruptible Sailing on the wide accountan-cy! And so they sailed off into the ledgers of history - one by one the financial capitals of the world crumbling under the might of their business acumen - or so it would have been if certain modern theories concerning the shape of the world had not proved to be disastrously wrong THE MEANING OF LIFE ------------------- PART VI THE AUTUMN YEARS Elegant restaurant A man in a dressing gown who is not Noel Coward sits at a piano Not Noel Coward Good evening ladies and gentlemen Here s a little number I tossed off recently in the Caribbean Sings Isn t it awfully nice to have a penis Isn t it frightfully good to have a dong It s swell to have a stiffy It s divine to own a dick From the tiniest little tadger To the world s biggest prick So three cheers for your Willy or John Thomas Hooray for your one-eyed trouser snake Your piece of pork your wife s best friend Your Percy or your cock You can wrap it up in ribbons You can slip it in your sock But don t take it out in public Or they will stick you in the dock And you won t come back Spontaneous applause breaks out all over the restaurant Oh thank you very much Woman Oh what a frightfully witty song Clapping Mr Creosote enters First Fish in tank Oh shit! It s Mr creosote All the fish disappear with six flicks of the tail Maitre D Ah good afternoon sir and how are we today Mr Creosote Better Maitre D Better Mr Creosote Better get a bucket I m going to throw up Maitre D Gaston! A bucket for monsieur! They seat him at his usual table A gleaming silver bucket is placed beside him and he leans over and throws up into it Maitre D Merci Gaston He claps his hands and the bucket is whisked away Mr Creosote I haven t finished! Maitre D Oh! Pardon! Gaston! A thousand pardons monsieur Puts the bucket back The Maitre D produces the menu as Mr Creosote continues spewing Maitre D Now this afternoon we monsieur s favourite - the jugged hare The hare is *very* high and the sauce is very rich with truffles anchovies Grand Marnier bacon and cream Mr Creosote pauses The Maitre D claps his hands and signs to Gaston who whisks away the bucket Maitre D Thank you Gaston Mr Creosote There s still more Gaston rapidly replaces the bucket Maitre D Allow me! A new bucket for monsieur The Maitre D picks the bucket up and hands it over to Gaston Mr Creosote leans over and throws up onto the floor And the cleaning woman Gaston hurries off The Maitre D takes care to avoid the vomit and places the menu in front of Mr Creosote And maintenant would monsieur care for an aperitif Creosote vomits over the menu It is covered Or would you prefer to order straight away Today for appetizers er excuse me The Maitre D leans over and wipes away the sick with his hand so that the words of the menu are readable moules marinieres pate de foie gras beluga caviar eggs Benedictine tart de poireaux - that s leek tart - frogs legs amandine or oeufs de caille Richard Shepherd - c est a dire little quails eggs on a bed of pureed mushrooms it s very delicate very subtle Mr Creosote I ll have the lot Maitre D A wise choice monsieur! And now how would you like it served All mixed up in a bucket Mr Creosote Yes With the eggs on top Maitre D But of course avec les oeufs frites Mr Creosote And don t skimp on the pate Maitre D Oh monsieur I can assure you just because it is mixed up with all the other things we would not dream of giving you less than the full amount In fact I will personally make sure you have a *double* helping Maintenant quelque chose a boire - something to drink monsieur Mr Creosote Yeah six bottles of Chateau Latour 45 and a double Jeroboam of champagne Maitre D Bon and the usual brown ales Mr Creosote Yeah No wait a minute I think I can only manage six crates today Maitre D Tut tut tut! I hope monsieur was not overdoing it last night Mr Creosote Shut up! Maitre D D accord Ah the new bucket and the cleaning woman Gaston arrives The Cleaning Woman gets down on her hands and knees Mr Creosote vomits over her Some guests at another table start to leave The Maitre D approaches Maitre D Monsieur is there something wrong with the food The Maitre D indicates the table of half-eaten main courses The guests shrink from his vomit-covered hand The Maitre D realises and shakes a little off It hits another guest who wipes his eye Guest No The food was excellent Maitre D Perhaps you are not happy with the service Guest Er no no no complaints Guest s Wife It s just we have to go - um - I m having rather a heavy period A slight embarrassed silence while the rest of the party look at her Guest And we have a train to catch Guest s Wife as if covering for her previous gaffe Oh! Yes! Yes of course! We have a train to catch and I don t want to start bleeding over the seats An awkward pause The Maitre D gropes for words Guest Perhaps we should ne going They start to go The Maitre D follows Maitre D Very well monsieur Thank you so much so nice to see you and I hope very much we will see you again very soon Au revoir monsieur He pauses A look of awful realization suffuses his face Maitre D Oh dear I ve trodden in monsieur s bucket The Maitre D claps his hands Another bucket for monsieur Mr Creosote is sick down the Maitre D s trousers and perhaps a hose Someone at another table gently throws up Companion Oh Max really! At another table someone else has really thrown up all over the place His mother and brother look at him incredulously Meanwhile Mr Creosote has scoffed the lot The Maitre D approaches him with a silver tray Maitre D And finally monsieur a wafer-thin mint Mr Creosote No Maitre D Oh sir! It s only a tiny little thin one Mr Creosote No Fuck off - I m full Belches Maitre D Oh sir it s only *wafer* thin Mr Creosote Look - I couldn t eat another thing I m absolutely stuffed Bugger off Maitre D Oh sir just just *one* Mr Creosote Oh all right Just one Maitre D Just the one sir voila bon appetit Mr Creosote somehow manages to stuff the wafer-thin mint into his mouth and then swallows The Maitre D takes a flying leap and cowers behind some potted plants There is an ominous splitting sound Mr Creosote looks rather helpless and then he explodes covering waiters diners and technicians in a truly horrendous mix of half digested food entrails and parts of his body People start vomiting Maitre D returns to Mr Creosote s table Thank you sir and now the check THE MEANING OF LIFE ___________________ PART VI B THE MEANING OF LIFE Some time later The Cleaning Woman is still on her knees cleaning up the remains of Mr Creosote The Maitre D lights up a cigarette in pensive mood Maitre D You know Maria I sometimes wonder whether we ll ever discover the meaning of it all working in a place like this Maria shrugs Oh I ve worked in worse places philosophically speaking Maitre D Really Maria Maria Yes I used to work in the Academie Francaise But it didn t do me any good at all And I once worked in the library in the Prado in Madrid But it didn t teach me nothing I recall And the Library of Congress you d have thought would hold some key But it didn t And neither did the Bodleian Library In the British Museum I hoped to find some clue I worked there from 9 till 6 - read every volume through But it didn t teach me nothing about Life s mystery I just kept getting older and it got more difficult to see Until eventually me eyes went and me arthritis got bad And so now I m cleaning up in here - but I can t really be sad Cause you see I feel that Life s a game You sometimes win or lose And though I may be down right now At least I don t work for Jews The Maitre D pours the bucket over her head and turns to the camera looking most upset Maitre D I m so sorry I had no idea we had a racist working here I apologise most sincerely I mean where are you going - I can explain oh quel dommage The camera pans off the Maitre D and alights on Gaston smoking a cigarette Gaston As for me if you want to know what I think I ll show you something come with me Maitre D out of shot I was saying that - hallo hallo Gaston Come on this way He nods to the camera and walks out of the restaurant and the camera follows him Voice of Maitre D I can explain everything Gaston Come on - don t be shy Mind the stairs All right I think this will help explain He walks through the town Gaston Come along Come along Over here Come on Come on This way Come on Stay by me uh Nearly there now Eventually Gaston comes over a hill and nods down to a little thatched cottage nestling idyllically in a valley Smoke rises up from the chimney You see that That s where I was born You know one day when I was a little boy my mother she took me on her knee and she said Gaston my son The world is a beautiful place You must go into it and love everyone not hate people You must try and make everyone happy and bring peace and contentment everywhere you go And so I became a waiter There is a rather long pause while he looks a bit self-deprecating and nods shyly at the live Well it s it s not much of a philosophy I know but well fuck you I can live my own life in my own way if I want to Fuck off! Don t come following me! THE MEANING OF LIFE ------------------- PART VII DEATH Distraught Male Voice I just can t go on I m not good any more goodbye goodbye aaaargh! Aaaargh! A leaf falls to the ground Distraught Female Voice Oh my God! What ll I do! I can t live without him I aaaargh! Another leaf falls Distraught Children s Voices Mummy Mummy Mummy Daddy Two more leaves fall More Distraught Voices Oh no! Aaaargh! All the remaining leaves fall with one accord This man is about to die In a few moments now he will be killed For Arthur Jarrett is a convicted criminal who has been allowed to choose the manner of his own execution Governor Arthur Charles Herbert Runcie MacAdam Jarrett you have been convicted by twelve good persons and true of the crime of first degree making of gratuitous sexist jokes in a moving picture Padre Ashes to ashes dust to dust Ingmar Mergman now takes over the direction of the film and re-invokes one of his greatest triumphs on a low budget Bare windswept trees starkly silhouetted against the oh you know Lots of good sound effects too howling wind howling dogs howling sabre-toothed field mice Suddenly we see the Grim Reaper He is hooded in a black cloak with a sackcloth jock-strap and bearing a scythe He materializes outside a lowly cottage and strikes the door with his scythe Geoffrey who is Marketing Director of Uro-Pacific Ltd opens the door From inside the house comes the sound of a dinner party Geoffrey Yes Pause The Reaper breathes death-rattlingly Is it about the hedge More breathing Look I m awfully sorry but Grim Reaper I am the Grim Reaper Geoffrey I am Death Geoffrey Yes well the thing is we ve got some people from America for dinner tonight Geoffrey s wife Angela is coming to see who is at the door She calls Angela Who is it darling Geoffrey It s a Mr Death or something he s come about the reaping To Reaper I don t think we need any at the moment Angela appearing Hallo Well don t leave him hanging around outside darling ask him in Geoffrey Darling I don t think it s quite the moment Angela Do come in come along in come and have a drink do Come on She returns to her guests It s one of the little men from the village Do come in please This is Howard Katzenberg from Philadelphia Katzenberg Hi Angela And his wife Debbie Debbie Hallo there Angela And these are the Portland-Smythes Jeremy and Fiona Fiona Good evening Angela This is Mr Death There is a slightly awkward pause Well do get Mr Death a drink darling The Grim Reaper looks a little startled Angela Mr Death is a reaper Grim Reaper The Grim Reaper Angela Hardly surprising in this weather ha ha ha Katzenberg So you still reap around here do you Mr Death Grim Reaper I am the Grim Reaper Geoffrey sotto voce That s about all he says Loudly There s your drink Mr Death Angela Do sit down Debbie We were just talking about some of the awful problems facing the - The Grim Reaper knocks the glass off the table Startled silence Angela Would you prefer white I m afraid we don t have any beer Jeremy The Stilton s awfully good Grim Reaper I am not of this world He walks into the middle of the table There is a sharp intake of breath all round Geoffrey Good Lord! The penny is beginning to drop Grim Reaper I am Death Debbie nervously Well isn t that extraordinary We were just talking about death only five minutes ago Angela even more nervously Yes we were You know whether death is really the end Debbie As my husband Howard here feels or whether there is and one so hates to use words like soul or spirit Jeremy But what *other* words can one use Geoffrey Exactly Grim Reaper You do not understand Debbie Ah no obviously not Katzenberg Let me tell you something Mr Death Grim Reaper You do not understand! Katzenberg Just one moment I would like to express on behalf of everyone here what a really unique experience this is Jeremy Hear hear Angela Yes we re *so* delighted that you dropped in Mr Death Katzenberg Can I finish please Debbie Mr Death is there an after-life Katzenberg Dear if you could just wait please a moment Angela Are you sure you wouldn t like some sherry Katzenberg Angela I d like just to say at this time Grim Reaper Be quiet! Katzenberg Can I just say this at this time please Grim Reaper Silence!!! I have come for you Pause as this sinks in Sidelong glance A stifled fart Angela You mean to Grim Reaper Take you away That is my purpose I am Death Geoffrey Well that s cast rather a gloom over the evening hasn t it Katzenberg I don t see it that way Geoff Let me tell you what I think we re dealing with here a potentially positive learning experience Grim Reaper Shut up! Shut up you American You always talk you Americans you talk and you talk and say Let me tell you something and I just wanna say this Well you re dead now so shut up Katzenberg Dead Grim Reaper Dead Angela All of us Grim Reaper All of you Geoffrey Now look here You barge in here quite uninvited break glasses and then announce quite casually that we re all dead Well I would remind you that you are a guest in this house and The Grim Reaper pokes him in the eye Grim Reaper Be quiet! You Englishmen You re all so fucking pompous and none of you have got any balls Debbie Can I ask you a question Grim Reaper What Debbie How can we all have died at the *same* time Grim Reaper pointing The salmon mousse! They all goggle Geoffrey to Angela Darling you didn t use tinned salmon did you Angela unbelievably embarrassed I m most dreadfully embarrassed Grim Reaper Now the time has come Follow follow me Geoffrey suddenly runs forward with a revolver He looses four shots at the Grim Reaper from about three feet They pass through him Pause Everyone is rather embarrassed Geoffrey Sorry Just testing Sorry He sits Grim Reaper Come! Out of their bodies spirit forms arise and follow the Grim Reaper Angela The fishmonger promised me he d have some fresh salmon and he s normally *so* reliable Jeremy Can we bring our glasses Fiona Good idea Debbie Hey I didn t even eat the mousse They follow the Grim Reaper out of the house Angela Honestly darling I m so embarrassed I mean to serve salmon with botulism at a dinner party is social death Jeremy Shall we take our cars Geoffrey Why not Slightly to the Grim Reaper s surprise they follow him up to heaven in a Porsche a Jensen and a Volvo Grim Reaper Behold Paradise! Heaven bears a striking resemblance to a Holiday Inn Mr Hendy I love it here darling Mrs Hendy Me too Marvin Receptionist Hello Welcome to Heaven Excuse me could you just sign here please sir Thank you There s a table for you through there in the restaurant For the ladies Fiona reading the box of chocolates that has been handed to her After Life Mints Receptionist Happy Christmas Debbie Oh is it Christmas today Receptionist Of course madam it s Christmas *every* day in Heaven Debbie How about that A restaurant in Heaven It is full of all the characters who have died in the film Plus some of the naked girls because well we don t have to give a reason do we Tony Bennett Good evening ladies and gentlemen it s truly a real honourable experience to be here this evening a very wonderful and emotional moment for all of us and I d like to sing a song for all of you sings It s Christmas in Heaven all the children sing It s Christmas in Heaven Hark hark those church bells ring It s Christmas in Heaven The snow falls from the sky But it s nice and warm and everyone Looks smart and wears a tie It s Christmas in Heaven There s great films on TV The Sound of Music *twice* an hour And Jaws I II *and* III There s gifts for all the family There toiletries and trains There s Sony Walkman Headphones sets And the latest video games! It s Christmas It s Christmas in Heaven Hip hip hip hip hip hooray Every single day Is Christmas Day! It s Christmas It s Christmas in Heaven Hip hip hip hip hip hooray Every single day Is Christmas Day! But before we get to the end of this chorus the TV set is switched off and the whole picture collapses into a little spot and we pull out to find that we have been watching a TV set in front of the Middle of the Film lady THE END OF THE FILM Lady Presenter briskly Well that s the End of the Film now here s the Meaning of Life An envelope is handed to her She opens it in a business-like way Thank you Brigitte She reads Well it s nothing special Try and be nice to people avoid eating fat read a good book every now and then get some walking in and try and live together in peace and harmony with people of all creeds and nations And finally here are some completely gratuitous pictures of penises to annoy the censors and to hopefully spark some sort of controversy which it seems is the only way these days to get the jaded video-sated public off their fucking arses and back in the sodding cinema Family entertainment bollocks! What they want is filth people doing things to each other with chainsaws during tupperware parties babysitters being stabbed with knitting needles by gay presidential candidates vigilante groups strangling chickens armed bands of theatre critics exterminating mutant goats - where s the fun in pictures Oh well there we are - here s the theme music Goodnight CAST IN ORDER OF APPEARANCE THE MEANING OF LIFE First Fish Graham Chapman Second Fish John Cleese Third Fish Terry Gilliam Fourth Fish Eric Idle Fifth Fish Terry Jones Sixth Fish Michael Palin Creosotish Man George Silver Singer Meaning of Life Eric Idle Mrs Moore Valerie Whittington First Nurse Judy Loe Second Nurse Imogen Bickford Smith First Doctor Graham Chapman Second Doctor John Cleese Mr Moore Eric Idle Administrator Michael Palin Dad Michael Palin Mum Terry Jones Priest Terry Jones Bride Jennifer Franks Groom Andrew Maclachlan Mr Blackitt Graham Chapman Mrs Blackitt Eric Idle Martin Luther Terry Jones Hymie Michael Palin Mamie Graham Chapman Daughters Victoria Plum Anne Rosenfield Headmaster John Cleese Chaplain Michael Palin Wymer Graham Chapman Biggs Terry Jones Carter Michael Palin Watson Eric Idle Mrs Williams Patricia Quinn Captain Biggs Terry Jones Blackitt Eric Idle Spadger Michael Palin Walters Terry Gilliam Sturridge John Cleese Hordern Graham Chapman General Graham Chapman R S M Michael Palin Atkinson Eric Idle Coles Graham Chapman Wycliff Andrew Maclachlan Pakenham-Walsh Michael Palin Ainsworth John Cleese Chadwick Simon Jones Perkins Eric Idle Livingstone Graham Chapman Sergeant Terry Jones Another Cheery Cockney Andrew Maclachlan A Severed Head Mark Holmes Another Terrible Casualty Eric Idle Front End Eric Idle Rear End Michael Palin Zulu Announcer Terry Gilliam Lady Presenter Michael Palin Man with Bendy Arms Terry Jones Woman Graham Chapman Troll with a Tray Mark Holmes Mr Hendy Michael Palin Mrs Hendy Eric Idle Joeline Terry Gilliam Waitress Carol Cleveland Waiter John Cleese Mr Bloke Terry Gilliam First Man John Cleese Second Man Graham Chapman Mrs Bloke Terry Jones Young Man Peter Lovstrom Distinguished Vocalist in Pink Eric Idle Noel Coward* Eric Idle Mr Creosote Terry Jones Maitre D John Cleese Gaston Eric Idle First Guest Graham Chapman Second Guest Mark Holmes First Guest s Wife Carol Cleveland Second Guest s Wife Angela Mann Third Guest Andrew Maclachlan Cleaning Woman Terry Jones Governor Michael Palin Arthur Jarrett Graham Chapman Padre Michael Palin Grim Reaper John Cleese Geoffrey Graham Chapman Angela Eric Idle Jeremy Simon Jones Fiona Terry Jones Katzenberg Terry Gilliam Debbie Michael Palin Receptionist Carol Cleveland Tony Bennett** Graham Chapman * Not *the* Noel Coward of course ** Not *the* Tony Bennett of course THE CRIMSON PERMANENT ASSURANCE Starred Sydney Arnold Cameron Miller Ross Davidson Paddy Ryan Eric Francis Eric Stovell Russell Kilminster Andrew Bicknell Peter Merrill Tim Doublas Larry Noble Billy John John Scott Martin Len Marten Guy Bertrand Gareth Milne Myrtle Devenish Leslie Sarony Matt Frewer Wally Thomas Peter Mantle Photographed by Peter Hannan B S C Edited by Julian Doyle Production Designer Harry Lange Costume Designer Jim Acheson Choreography Arlene Phillips Makeup and Hair Design Maggie Weston Special Effects Supervisor George Gibbs Director of Photography Roger Pratt Art Director John Beard Make-up Artist Elaine Carew Hairdressers Maureen Stephenson Sallie Evans Wardrobe Joyce Stoneman Music John Du Prez Transcribed by Jason R Heimbaugh (jasonh@joker aiss uiuc edu)