Traffic was bad today Real bad So I rolled down my window and spit out sunflower seed shells at the passenger side window of the car next to me The girl inside looked at me disgustedly and the car drove up ahead a few more feet so that they wouldn t have to look at me I smiled hard to myself I let out a low chuckle and stroked the stubble on my chin with my left hand Heh heh heh HEH HEH HEH Traffic on the highway was still crawling slowly forward The next car to pull up to me was a yellow Chevette Two middle aged women were in this car Their windows were rolled down and their radio was on So I glanced over at the passenger She was plump and had dark hair HEH HEH HEH I leered She kind of glanced at me and rolled her eyes I pushed back the greasy lock of hair that fell in front of my eye Heya Sugar I called Humph she let out And the driver a slightly thinner beast with sandy red hair look over at me and let out a kind of sigh I smiled wide Then I spit a watermelon seed at the first woman I spit it hard so that it made a smacking sound when it hit her cheek and bounced off Oh! she exclaimed sort of feebly HEH! I chuckled as I stepped on the gas to keep up with them Traffic was moving at about 20 km H now What are you DOING the dark-haired mistress of power demanded of me Instead of answering I opted to let the seeds speak for me and let loose with another barrage of wet black watermelon seeds They ricocheted off her forhead with a satisfying rat-a-tat-tat which makes everybody feel so good I let the last few seeds drip from my mouth onto my shirt as I smiled warmly at her I couldn t really hear what she was screaming at me as their car turned left and out of sight Probably something about how much she wanted me I know baby But you ll have to stand in line A couple of minutes later there was a red light I was in the left lane A solitary young man with glasses glided to a stop on my right His window too was open as most people s were on this warm summer day I pressed my finger on the appropriate button to make my passanger side window roll down It hummed electrically Hey son! He looked Yes you! He stared a little harder this time trying to determine if maybe he knew me from somewhere What a hot day eh I rolled my eyes upwards and opened my mouth I let my tongue hang out as if I were a panting dog and let a few drops of slobber drip out I closed my mouth and smiled at him The boy just made a frown and looked straight ahead YEAH BOY! It s a hot one! I yelled at noone in particular WOO! And I layed on the horn for a couple of seconds I could see the guy in front of me furrow his brow in his rearview mirror The boy shook his head with some sort of pity for yours truly I don t need noone s pity son Won t have any OF it Ptoooww! I spit an entire walnut out my mouth and hit him square in his right glasses lens Crack! The lens came loose of its frame and fell into the boy s lap along with the walnut Ptoooww Ptoooww!! Two more walnuts One hit the side of his head and the other made a dent in his car door OWWW! F*C !! He wailed as the light turned green Traffic started to move a little more briskly now The boy with the broken glasses tried to keep up with me now He reached into his pocket and pulled out a handful of change He flung it out the window at my vehicle but I was too smart for him I slammed on my brakes and the change totally missed me Man I m just too awesome Not like that crazy idiot who just drove off the road and into a tree behind me Aha here s my freeway entrance I gained speed in the acceleration lane and merged in Amazing at how badly some people drive For instance the semi truck that was in my way when I merged in just decided to change over to the innermost lane without even looking! I think he must ve hit about three cars What a mess! Careless jerk To emphasize my dissappointment about this I spat forth various farm animals from my mouth onto the freeway A cow a horse a rooster a duck and twelve llamas What a society I arrived home and let the car park itself in the neighbour s driveway turned on the TV and had a beer ---