HEAD TITLE alt fan lemurs Frinkquently Asked Questions (Part 4 of 7 Lemurs Versus Cows) TITLE HEAD BODY PRE Archive-name lemur-faq part4 Alt-fan-lemurs-archive-name lemur-faq part4 Last-modified 1994 08 06 Version 4 0 Official USENET Alt Fan Lemurs Frinkquently Asked Questions Part 4 of 7 -- Lemurs Versus Cows This posting contains the ugly truth behind the Lemur-Cow feud ------------------------------ The Questions (1) What s the story about these Lemurs I occasionally see flying past my window (2) How come the Lemurs can get onto the cow starship when the cows themselves can t get back in (3) What is the Terror Cow (4) What is the Cowship Investigation Agency (5) Is Allan Murphy actually a cow (6) Has anyone besides Allan had these weird cow experiences (7) What was the so-called Last Report of Agent North By North- west (8) Where can I get weapons to fend off the Cows (9) Have Microsoft and IBM been infiltrated by the Cows (10) Have the cows tried any clever new strategies (11) Are the lemurs actually stringing the cows along laughing from the shadows while the cows fumble about on their mad dreams of world domination (12) What are all these cow-related things doing in a lemurs newsgroup ------------------------------ The Answers (1) What s the story about these Lemurs I occasionally see flying past my window When you see a Lemur fly past your window odds are that it was one of the Lemurs trying out the new anti-grav packs they ve borrowed from the cows ship We refer here to the Cow Ship rumored to be hidden somewhere in the fields around Blacksburg Virginia the ship that the ancestors of all cows traveled to this planet in before losing the key and locking themselves out) The anti-grav packs used to be horseshoe-mounted with four to a cow But as individual units they ll lift a Lemur quite nicely Of course they are programmed to accept verbal cow commands so the Lemurs have to Moo to fly with them Lemur hackers are at this very moment trying to reprogram the anti-grav packs to accept commands in Lemur-ese a job complicated by the cows practice of programming all their equipment with a powerful Multiple-Object-Oriented (MOO) language The Lemur hackers are attempting to install a highly technical form of Lemur-ese from what we hear there are 3 separate words they re trying to install for one command * the first or prefrink command is the action (what the Lemur wants to happen) * the second or cofrink command is the recipient of the action (e g if the prefrink is attack in Lemur-ese of course the cofrink would be for example Daniel Pawtowski to pick a name at random) * the third word or postfrink is similar to what in English we call an adverb Example fly Tulsa _quickly_ (translated from Lemur-ese) Or attack store _nuclear_ ----------- (2) How come the Lemurs can get onto the cow starship when the cows themselves can t get back in Lemurs are much smaller and more agile than the cows so they ve managed to unbolt the grates over the intakes for the scramjets and gain access to the ship s interior via the engineering crawlways They love to sit up on the bridge staring through the windows at all the surrounding cows with their big eyes This of course annoys the cows to no end Luckily for them though the main systems cannot be activated by a Lemur as they are keyed to the security codes imbedded into the forward hooves of the Command Cows The worrying thing is this what happens if the Lemurs find a way to hotwire the main weapons panels Without access to the power systems the guns would only be at about one-tenth power but still that could toast a major city before you could say heat wave The cows are just not up there when it comes to devious pranks such as the Lemurs are known to excel at After all our big-eyed Lemurs are primates And primates as we all know are the natural leaders Look who s wearing the pants around THIS planet anyway Primates Cows are more brute-force stand-around-and-be-bored-and- chew-your-cud kinda creatures You ll never see anyone painting pictures of bucolic herds of Lemurs chewing cud against a hill-side and sunset backdrop ----------- (3) What is the Terror Cow Well basically the theory goes that there s ONE cow that somehow has access to the high-tech arsenal aboard the cow ship Perhaps this cow does not actually have access to the ship itself but rather to a secret store of weapons taken off the ship before the keys were lost In any case the Terror Cow is both heavily armed and bad-tempered The lemurs have still not figured out how the Terror Cow manages to keep its supply of rocket-launched grenades and other weapons of mass destruction up Just when you think The Terror Cow MUST be out of anti-tank missiles there comes that knock on your front door and that low eerie-sounding mooing Ron Jarrell who is probably reading this once wrote an abso- lutely hysterical post on the subject of the Terror Cow Had very little to do with lemurs but let s treat it as a sort of tangent Anyway it went something like this I was sitting at home one night when I heard someone knocking at my front door I was upstairs so I looked out the window to see who it was Looking down I saw what appeared to be a large bovine creature standing on its hind legs ringing the doorbell Sitting out on the street was a large tanklike vehicle with guns all over it I called down Who is it Moooove your car it s blocking the road I don t HAVE a car Mooooove your furniture I didn t hire any movers I m not moving Terror Cow Why didn t you say so in the first place The Terror Cow has been sighted many times over the years always mooving ominously about in a large armored vehicle armed with weapons of mass destruction A very cheesed off bovine as far as anyone can tell Mike Knell (eeyimkn@unicorn nott ac uk) reports I went out for a few beers last night and when I got back in found that the steak I d nailed to my door as protection against the ven- geance of the Terrow Cow (I m on the hit list after the episode with the three Lemurs the crisps and some coffee) had been incinerated - it had obviously grown very hot at some point When I got in to my room (the lock had been smashed with a blunt hoof-like object) I found that a big pile of grass had been left there and my teddy bear had been shot through the head The note left on my VDU read Next time it s youuuuu Strangely enough all my milk had been thrown out of the window as well --------------- (4) What is the Cowship Investigation Agency The Cowship Investigation Agency or CIA is headed by Allan Murphy Allan seems obsessed with uncovering the secrets of the Cow Ship at present known only by the lemurs who are small enough to fit into the scramjet intakes and thereby gain access to the interior of the ship Allan has prepared a Cowship Investigation Questionnaire included immediately below which he would appreciate your completing and returning to him if you know anything about the cow ship the Terror Cow or the cow weapons used by the lemurs --- Begin Questionnaire ---------8< --------------------------------------------- 1) Are you now or have you ever been in the employ of cows 2) Come on now you don t expect me to believe that Tell the truth It ll be easier that way 3) Where is the cow starship 6) What width is a scramjet intake 7) And just exactly how do you know this 8) Are you close friends with any of the following A) A lemur B) A tarsier C) A koala D) A flying phalanger E) Any form of sloth F) Joel Furr G) Gary Larson H) A command cow I) Other cow- or lemur-related being 9) Which of the above do you think would fit up a scramjet intake best 10) Have you ever heard a cow talk or seen one act in an unusual way ( eg fly through the air pass by in spacecraft stand up and say I am a command cow bow down before me earth- ling ) 11) Have you ever seen bright moving lights in the sky accompa- nied by a low moo sound 12) Which of the following would persuade you to reveal all about the cows plans first A) A pack of angry tarsiers B) A hotwired Mooser up the left nostril C) An agent of the Cowship Investigation Agency questioning you in a whining voice D) Torture - D1) Chinese Water torture ( drip drip drip ) D2) Chinese Lemur torture ( frink frink frink ) D3) Japanese Fish torture ( sushi d to death ) D4) Japanese Geisha torture ( sashay d to death ) E) 1 litre of Big K Grape Soda F) A night watching videos with hyenas beer n Cheetos G) Other-please specify 13) Do you own any suspiciously hi-tech devices 14) Do you have an irrational aversion to beef or milk 15) Which do you eat on Sundays A) Mom s apple pie B) As many twinkies as you can find with Big K Grape soda C) grass - nice fresh green grass and plenty of it D) Bamboo E) Eucalyptus leaves F) Other-please specify 16) In your own words describe a Terror Cow +----------------------+-----------------------------------------------+ Subject marked for Termination For Office Use Only Surveillance Mauling by tarsier pack Big K Grape Soda delivery signature flaming +----------------------+------------------------------------------------ --- End Questionnaire ---------8< ------------------------------------ --------------- (5) Is Allan Murphy actually a cow Allan says no Well actually he goes into more detail > I would just like to take this opportunity to point out that in fact > I am NOT a cow! > I am NOT a cow! > I am NOT a cow! > I am NOT a cow! > > I ve even got the documentation to prove it look Cowship Investi- > gation Agency ID card driving license bovine spongiform encephalitis > immunization certificate --------------- (6) Has anyone besides Allan had these weird cow experiences Several readers have Josh Brandt Susanna Richardson Paul Williams Jon Ward and Ben Hardy Joshua Brandt (mute@wpi wpi edu) wrote > I was once chased by a group of cows and was forced to take refuge on > the roof of a 1940 s flatbed truck They surrounded me while I > cowered on the roof but began to act nervous and finally ran away > leaving me in peace I remember as I climbed from the truck a > strange low cheep sound coming from the treetops Joshua also makes predictions of what an attack by the Terror Cow would be like > Late at night there will be a low knocking at your door Thinking > it s finally the Twinkie n Grape Soda delivery person you will stride > happily to answer it However once the door is opened your doom will > be sealed and you will find yourself face-to-face with a hulking > shadowy figure glistening with the blood of horribly crush Lemurs and > their kind It will wave aside its cloak and raise up the anti-tank > missile launcher it carries in its left hoof With slow deliberation > knowing you are frozen with icy terror it will take aim and slowly > oh so slowly depress the trigger on its weapon of terror Susanna Richardson (glink@silver ucs indiana edu) had a sighting that may or may not be cowship-related > Well I grew up in Wisconsin so that s a pretty broad range to cover > with a simple answer Seeing a cow on top of a granite boulder over > twenty feet high is almost a religious experience Seeing the other > cows worshipping her is also awe-inspiring She looked much like any > of the other Guernseys so I couldn t tell if she was a command cow > or not Paul Williams (pakw@okra css oz au) replying to an ad for a restaurant called the Flying Lemur wrote > What I am wondering is has anyone > actually ever witness a flying lemur or is this just a thing > of fantasy and legend Not fantasy or legend The cowship is a reality (witness the US and other countries efforts to find its location) The anti-gravity flying platforms are a reality (there is much anecdotal evidence) The lemurs have broken into the cowship and are wreaking havoc on civilisation in ways fearsome and mischeivous (trust me on this) Luckily they are only interested in the food thing else you d find them wispering in the ears of higher political powers for nefarious and diabolic purposes Remember the little beasties are *inside* the net already and the greatest secret about them is afsdklhjKLHJASDKLBNMBNm has XXLASKJOlsdjaiawej lassie X ka KLJAS masdk m sfdgkjLASDF mgfls mFJSDKJkjfgsd fgsdkljfsdlsdjsjjllotkjk the ability under certain circumstances to *comletely* A sdfkhjafnASD(*& ^& asd asdhafsd anhfgdkldfgusdfghjsfdgkhjsfgdkhjfgsdkhj frink frink frink a drink of juice ASFASD hjaskjfaouasdfklhafsdkljasdafsdhjafsdkljafsdkljafsd sad asdjasifiakdfj0 Also the cows are trying to have an end to the lemurs secret lobbying capability to no avail With the loss of the command ship access and the resulting disorganisation in the herd cows find it hard to even discuss the problem amongst themselves let alone find a solution So congratulations on a good choice of name What sort of food (books) will you be serving Would you like to give yourself a free plug How about discounts for weary and hungry a f l travellers Do you serve Twinkies(tm) > Steve > The Flying Lemur > Lakewood Oh Oh what Did the Command Cow get you just as you were ending your article They can track the emissions from your keyboard using special sensors in the forward hoof and are well aware when anyone is talking about their mortal enemy lemurs I m not worried I live in a bunker 100 m underground -) Regards Paul Jon Ward (eee90041@ibm3090 bham ac uk) wrote THE COMMAND COWS ARE TAKING OVER BIRMINGHAM UNIVERSITY I have not been able to post for the last week as the UseNet reader would not allow me to I put this down to a temporary error until I noticed that the academic computing services here have stopped having milk delivered My suspicions aroused I started scouting of the surrounding area Sure enough in the field behind the computing centre there stood a cow surrounded by three other cows looking at it It turned and looked in my direction I ran away but it saw me Coming home last night I found tank-track marks outside The garden had cloven hoof prints in the grass I was under surveillance My lemur-like featues had been noted (Hairy body blue eyes facial hair short 13 years of National Geographics A network addiction and a real Burl Ives record) Then tonight as drove home I saw the Terror Cow It stood outside my house her tank nonchalenty parked on top of two minis and a capri Standing on her hind legs she towered 10 feet into the air Her bulky flak jacket covered with pockets each bulging with gre- nades and mines Both front hooves had multi-barrel missile launchers the size of snare drums while her chest was crossed with bandoliers This was not a cow to call Daisy and put a straw hat on And so I know I have been targeted for termination I don t know how long I can stay on the run I need anti-bovine weapons fast or I will be found Moodered in a ditch somewhere in Selly Oak I am Jon Ward in Birmingham England Email eee90041@ibm3090 bham ac uk My address is 38 Add724ld AdiR^Rghj** NO CARRIER Ben Hardy < RAAI@music macarthur uws EDU AU> wrote We now have reason to beleive the Terror Cow is resorting to mind-control tactics At work the other day I noticed several workmates placidly standing in the hallway quietly For some reason their stomachs were growling rather loudly and they were chewing gum Their pupils were dialated as well At the time I passed it off as an office joke and didn t associate it with cows at all Admit- tedly it s not everyday you see seemingly normal people lurking in corridors indulging in bovine behavior but it wasn t particularly disturbing until one of them began to emit an eerie mooing sound after I returned to my office Fortunately a few minutes later it was 5 pm time to leave The instinct to get out of the office overrode the Terror Cow s wiles and the last I saw of these people was them grazing on some trees near the railway station go figure! --------------- (7) What was the so-called Last Report of Agent North By Northwest > From North by Northwest > Subject Cow Offensive Warning! > Date 7 Apr 1993 18 35 12 GMT > Summary Cow invasion fleet spotted! > Keywords Cow Ship Key Mooser HELP! > > Yesterday I tried to transmit a report using a couple of anonymous > remailers to thwart their intercept operators That attempt seems to > have failed Their Universal Decrypted Data Electronic Receivers are > obviously much more capable than we suspected > > However I seem to have eluded them for the moment I m using a > different technique -- maybe I can get thru Who could have suspected > that cows were computer-literate > > I got out of the lab just in time This thing that they re after -- > what is it It doesn t seem to have any controls -- nothing moves on > it and it seems to be all one piece It looks almost like a giant key > but what could it fit > > I desperately need to contact the Prompt Response Organization for the > Suppression of the Invasion Mooovement I have just realized why this > object was delivered to the Image Processing Labs at JPL Not only > have we photographed one of the cows landing craft -- WE CAN SEE THEIR > INVASION FLEET! > > The so-called Comet 1993e Shoemaker-Levy is a very peculiar set of > objects in orbit around Jupiter We can distinguish as many as 17 > separate nuclei in a precise bar-like formation I have photographs > of this comet in electronic form (GIF JPEG) that I will try to get > to the proper authorities > > Almost simulaneously another Kuiper-belt asteroid (similar to > 1992QB1) has been located Is this the mother ship lurking far beyond > Saturn Most horrifying of all we have spotted a supernova! Was > Supernova 1993J in M81 a civilization that failed to resist the Combat > Offensive Weapons of this invasion fleet Is it our turn next > > If there is anyone in the Pasadena area who cavD5* > N0 CARRIER --------------- (8) Where can I get weapons to fend off the Cows Leigh Porter ( leigh@frink demon co uk) writes > Hello all!! > > We (not a royal we cus there really is two of us here) are proud to > offer the UK s Lemur community a superb range of Lemur goods direct and > at half price from our Lemur house in the Twinkie Zone - > > Cow fallout shelter - > This BEEF lined shelter designed to be used underground will > defend any Lemur from over 5000 pats of cow activity if you are > in danger from the Terror Cow then this is for you > > Only $5 672 800 000 000 > > - Rump steak proton guns - > This new weapon will ward away any bovine creature to a safe > distance using the best Rump steak batteries this weapon will > fire a continuous stream of high energy RUMP protons harmless to > Lemurs but DEADLY to cows at the target > > Only $7 811 083 784 > > CowView cow surveillance device - > This small unit capable of being hidden almost anywhere will > monitor all bovine activities and will send them to a suitable > receiver at up to 100 Kilometers away > > Only $102 984 > > Suitable Receiver - > Suitable receiver for the above item > > Only $12 > > You may ask how we manage these WONDERFUL prices just don t ask! The prices sound a little steep to me so perhaps you can bargain Leigh down Offer him (and his partners in business ) some Twinkies --------------- (9) Have Microsoft and IBM been infiltrated by the Cows Vance Kochenderfer (vkochend@nyx cs du edu) reports I have discovered an infiltration of truly massive proportions! Look at the name of the command interpreter for the IBM PC COMMAND COM Flip the M upside down and what do you get COMMAND COW! All postings from Microsoft and IBM should be suspect from now on --------------- (10) Have the cows tried any clever new strategies Brian Antoine (briana@tau-ceti isc-br com) writes I started reading this group just after its newgroup message came through a few months back Within a short time afterwards I discovered that my house had become part of the weekly circuit for the local lemur population Ever wonder who reads the arbitron stats Now every Thursday night is poker night A night where I get to supply the twinkies (used for betting) and all the Big K they can drink Funny I never seem to win any of these games and the rules seem to change from night to night Anyway I had just gotten back from the store where I loaded up for tonights game and was searching for some stuff in the back room when I heard a noise coming from the kitchen When I went to check it out I found a single lemur making a mess of my refrigerator Now making a mess wasn t anything I hadn t seen before You ought to try cleaning Big K off of the ceiling after the bottle has been shaken and the top removed This lemur put them all to shame When I yelled at it to watch where it was throwing the coldcuts it poked it head over the door and snarled at me wanting to know Where the hell is the beer The more I saw the more I figured something was wrong The lemur staring at me had a cigar stuck in its mouth and the eyes looked a little funny They were different sizes and two different colors to boot Whats more as it moved I kept hearing a noises like gears grinding When I wouldn t tell it where the beer was it returned to destroying my fridge Enough was enough and I leaped to try to grab it Now anyone can tell you that trying to grab a lemur is a hopeless cause If you ve ever tried to get them down from where they are hanging on the lights you know what I mean This one was easy to catch and I it began to thrash around on the floor trying to get away it started to leak something all over my floor When if finally quit moving my kitchen looked like someone had stuck a firecracker in a gallon jug of milk Thats when I the small cable that ran from its back across my floor and out the window When I ran to the window it was just in time to see the back door of a U-haul van slam shut severing the cable that ran across the lawn and into the back end The funny thing was that as it drove off and hit one of the speed bumps outside of my apartment the panel on the side came loose I didn t get a good look but I swear I saw part of the logo for the local dairy Anyway the whole mess is sitting in a bag and I m going to turn it over to the normal crew when they show up for tonights game This sure stinks of a new subversive attack by the cows I wish they would pick someplace else for their marketing tests We re still trying to round up all of the kids with extra arms growing out of their backs from the last marketing test Burger King tried on us --------------- (11) Are the lemurs actually stringing the cows along laughing from the shadows while the cows fumble about on their mad dreams of world domination You betcha The lemurs know what s going on and they re on top of things Rest easy --------------- (12) What are all these cow-related things doing in a lemurs newsgroup Ask Tim Pierce of alt config fame who flamed the idea of an alt fan cows into ash a few months ago No anyway it has to do with the origins of lemur fandom at Virginia Tech Cow fandom was going strong at the same time and necessarily the two strains got mixed somewhat prior to the emergence of lemur fandom on the national scene Allan Murphy seems obsessed by the cows enough that one day we may newgroup alt fan lemurs cowship and turn him loose there just to see what happens --------------- The FAQ continues with Part 5 of 7 Lemurs and the USENET Oracle -------------------------------------------------------- Revised April 5 1993 by Joel Furr jfurr@polaris async vt edu Revised July 6 1993 by Joel Furr jfurr@polaris async vt edu Revised August 2 1994 by Joel Furr jfurr@acpub duke edu PRE BODY