The Insane Musings of a Doodleboy in Heat ----------------------------------------- written by WindRider So what follows are some ramblings that i wrote last week when i was sick with the flu and fairly hallucinatory. Some of it is kind of odd and a bit philosophical and mushy. If that could bother you, then get the hell out of this file before you run around the room screaming "OH MY GOD! WINDRIDER, YOU BASTARD! DON'T DO THIS TO ME!" don't say you weren't warned. Feb 11 (or near there) Wow, i hope E____ is okay. I'd hate to see anything happen to her, she's a pretty special woman. Whatever it is, it's personal, otherwise she likely would have told K__ what was up. I should check to see if she, M_______, and T_____ are going to the pub. H0h0, Frank looked like he was working hard correcting those exams in the library. I think any mark over a 0% is a bonus. R____'s and idiot. I can't really see him being a decent teacher AT ALL. Time to tryo out the other pen. I think i've got to save those felt tips as part of my "remembrance shrine" to Biggar. They really helped me out a lot. Hmm, i wonder if i should get John a copy of the article i gave Frank. I hope E____'s in class tomorrow. I just can't seem to get her out of my mind. need to check the job postings tomorrow. I'm an idiot. I want to go to China with E____. maybe i should suggest to her the possibility of taking it for audit. That could be fun. oh shit, if she went she'd miss Convocation. I get the feeling it's the last time i'll see most of these people. That really saddens me. Isn't it ironic, don't you think? I get all set to run off to New Zealand and now i find someone that i'd give up everything for. Too bad it'll never happen, she's way out of my league. My life was just getting simplified too. Christ, all i need now is for C______ to just start it all again and i'll be totally screwed. Aw geeze, now i'm confused. Did E____ 'look back' or would she consider that i looked back to her? Odds are she doesn't even care, and why would she? I might as well just put on my "i should have at least done SOMETHING" pedestal. In another day or two i should find out that there's a boyfriend, and that will be that. and yet this is new. if i had to describe it, i'd say i was setting her up as "THE ONE" just so that i can punish myself. Here's an idea if she's at the pub... hell, if she's IN CLASS, make a broad sweeping question about what people are doing for valentine's day. if the situation presents itself, serve up the opportunity of just hooking up to piss the day away. she's got her own car, good sign. no relying on as-yet undetermined boyfriend. (ex: Ni_____, now there was a dumb idea) plays the violin, but supposedly "not very well". fairly free story teller, make it an offer to her at some point. (ex: 'owe her a story', blah blah blah) 350 in her graduating class? wow. hey, try to avoid making an idiot out of yourself. i've gotto wonder what 'obsession' is defined as. gotta write that rationale for John tonight. what kind of stone was that in her 'flower' necklace? genuinely interesting and enigmatic, how truly rare and wonderful. yep, i think she's got me. i just have to hope she doesn't realize it. otherwise, things could get odd. Feb 23 (or close) I'm really setting myself up for a big fall here. One of two things will happen. 1) She doesn't know i'm alive. 2) She's involved with a god. this shouldn't surprise me, since the intelligent and beautiful ones are always unavailable. though i am concerned about this disappearing act. is there anything a guy in love wouldn't go for a woman? history has shown that men will kill for love, but is it a grander gesture to kill or be willing to sacrifice all? there again, true love shouldn't require you to hold on to the person you love. the next step of selfless love is to give her freedom. even freedome from yourself. it's a tough, often unrequited, and very RARE love. maybe the knights and squires had it right in having their love be a completely unattainable woman. ever act done in the name of love creating a better person, yet still unworthy of the woman. how many men still hold these values? am i the last of a dying breed? i've already accepted that there are remarkably fewer 'gentlemen' than the world requires. maybe this notion of chivalry needs to be updated... maybe it's a matter of always setting an insurmountable goal, where the joy is in knowing that even as you better yourself, that she can have better than she had ever thought. maybe it's just fear. not a fear of rejection. if you can't can't handle rejection, there isn't a point in living. this fear is of never being worthy of love, never truly deserving love, even from she who inspires it to such heights in you. love like this is bound to be tinged in regret. not regret for what could have been, but for what was known as never to be. love like this HAS been tinged with a mix of regret and joy. SHE IS MY MUSE. that is all it ever can or will be. i miss her absence even more with every day that i see her. i spent 20 minutes this on my hair for no reason, until i realized that it was because i would see HER that day. the merest thought of her name sends tingles of cold energy racing up my spine from my kidneys to the base of my skull. to say my thoughts are consumed with her would be to say i'm obsessed. i would hope that i'm not, thought it may seem otherwise. she DOES come to mind when my brain is having 'down time', unburdened with the immediate demands of the world. last night i wrote to her instead of working on a paper or studying for an exam. what have i turned myself into? i have goosebumps right now. i'm not sure that i have ever thought of her this much at one time as i have in the past hour. again, the tingle strikes. tomorrow will soon bring another day. a day when she has no clue that i am alive, and no clue that i am desperately fighting with the riptide of love at first (or second, h0h0) sight. it would seem that she really is my Muse and inspiration. i wonder why i'm using "Muse" so much... SAUCE00Insane Musings of a .. Windrider REMORSE 19980312b